Humorous Zen

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Humorous Zen

Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 8:57 pm

This thread is for all of the quotes that don't fit into the regular Zen thread, or the Jokes thread. Share any humorous sayings, inspirational or not, here!
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 8:58 pm

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"I invented the internet".
Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
Alicia Silverstone, Actress
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 8:59 pm

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
Anonymous Manufacturer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there."
Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 8:59 pm

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
Bill Peterson, football coach

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
Britney Spears, Pop Singer
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:00 pm

"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."
Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman

"The team has come along slow but fast."
Casey Stengel, Baseball player/manager

"I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose Game 5."
Charles Barkley, NBA Basketball Player

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
Charles De Gaulle, former French President
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:01 pm

"Football players win football games."
Chuck Knox, football coach

"Most lies about blondes are false."
Cincinnati Times-Star, headline

"If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime."
Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"
Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:01 pm

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
David Acfield
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:02 pm

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games."
David Garcia, baseball team manager

"Sit by the homely girl, you'll look better by comparison."
Debra Maffett, Miss America 1983

"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
Decca Records Rejecting the Beatles, in 1962
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:03 pm

"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something."
Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player, on Chicago Bull's team chemistry being overrated

"We're just physically not physical enough."
Denny Crum, Louisville basketball coach

"Weather forecast: precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon."
Detroit Daily News

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:04 pm

"Can you get a ticket for running a stop sign that is not there?"
Driver school applicant

"The world is more like it is now then it ever has before."
Dwight Eisenhower

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
Everett Dirksen, Congressman

"Boxing’s all about getting the job done as quickly as possible, whether it takes 10 or 15 or 20 rounds."
Frank Bruno, Boxer

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:05 pm

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
George Bush, former U.S. President

"It is white."
George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobel

"If you think is was an accident, applaud."
Geraldo Rivera, talk show host, to his audience on Natalie Wood's drowning
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:06 pm

"I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity."
Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House

"Does the album have any songs you like that aren't on it?
Harry News, music reviewer

"Coming on to pitch is Mike Moore, who is six-foot-one and 212 years old."
Herb Score, Sportscaster

"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:06 pm

"I don't want to ever, ever do something in life that isn't fun. Ever."
Jennifer Love Hewitt, Actress, in the February Cosmopolitan.

"We're going to move left and right at the same time."
Jerry Brown, Governor of California

"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad."
Julian Wakefield, Missouri basketball player

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:28 pm

"I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to."
Linda Evangelista, Supermodel

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota.

"The largest crowd ever in the state of Las Vegas."
Mark Jones, TV Broadcaster

"Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding."
Mickey Rivers, baseball player
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:29 pm

"I'm a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife."
Mike Greenwell, Baseball player

"If only faces could talk..."
Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl

"All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium."
Ralph Kiner, NY Sportscaster

"Solutions are not the answer."
Richard Nixon, former U.S. President
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:29 pm

"Permitted vehicles not allowed."
Road sign on US 27

"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man."
Samuel Goldwyn

"SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt - prepare for accident."
Sign on backseat of Taxi

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Terry Venables
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:32 pm

In a hotel in Athens:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

In a Paris hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."

In a Japanese hotel:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:32 pm

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
"Drop your trousers here for best results."

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:33 pm

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."

In a Rome laundry:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."

In the office of a Roman doctor:
"Specialist in women and other diseases."
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:34 pm

In an Acapulco hotel:
"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

In a Tokyo shop:
"Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
"English well talking."
"Here speeching American."

Sign in a hotel corridor in Istanbul:
"Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises."
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:34 pm

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideways.
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:35 pm

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn **** to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:37 pm

Chinese Mistranslation :
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, ko-kou-ko-le, which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth".

When translated into Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off".

In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service".

Outside a Hong Kong tailor's shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs".

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists".

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life".
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:37 pm

French Mistranslation :
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts". In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:38 pm

Italian Mistranslation :
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Instructions on a packet of convenience food from Italy: "Besmear a backing pan, previously buttered with a good tomato sauce, and, after, dispose the cannelloni, lightly distanced between them in a only couch."
.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Italian/Italy: In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
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