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A PBEM sim taking place on a Prometheus Class vessel. The cutting edge in Federation technology with a good sized crew and a great deal of excitement.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Sun Aug 24, 2003 7:59 am

LOL! Good one, Taneth! Anyone who has ever eaten some of the unusual meats, from animals that are seasonally hunted (like venisson from deer), would definitely appreciate that one!
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Sun Aug 24, 2003 8:00 am

For all of you who are going back to school:

If any of your teachers or your principles look like this . . . RUN!!!!!!

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Postby Jake Sjet » Sun Aug 24, 2003 9:28 am

Captain Evil, of the Starship One Million Dollars, and his first officer number Two.
(Added evil laugh here)
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Zania Jaarda » Sun Aug 24, 2003 8:45 pm

Let's just hope that his first officer, "Number Two", has got that name for a reason other than something relating to the call of nature, LOL!
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Postby Jake Sjet » Wed Aug 27, 2003 7:46 am

Hey Zane, you getting this? Might not be up there with 'The spots go all the way down' but we're getting close!

Ouestion-As punishment for being a snotty nosed brat running around with a uniform that wasn't made for a kid, does Wesley have to go out side and clean all the windows? Begging for some to use the phrase "I can see my planet from up here!"
Note to all!!
The Big Brother serise of Star Trek will soon be returning! With twice the hype, and less of the talent!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Aug 27, 2003 7:51 am

I can't wait to see that one, Jake!

Of course, as punishment, we could always send Wesley on an away mission with you-know-who. No, I'm talking about that big yellow bird in the background!

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Postby Jake Sjet » Wed Aug 27, 2003 5:08 pm

TV, the final frontier.
And this week on Big Brother the crew of the USS Enterpirse 1701-E are forced to be assimilated into an organisation that will suck the life right out of them.
Yes, the Federation has gone Public on the stock market. But the strange alien life forms that inhibit this lifeless dimension try to suck the very life force from the crew, they're great big salaries. Only Gordie and his marketing campaign save the crew (Call Goredio on this 0800 number for free medical advice!).
Day Ten, and all is not well. Without releasing a holgraphic super villan, or meeting a race of alien who haven't heard of the Star Trek Franchise they resort to doing something that could destroy the universe.
They're teaching Wesley the Facts of Life.
Riker- "Well, when a man met a woman you get out of the way because she'll have a plan to take over the universe (looks at Ms Riker (Trio to you and me)) sorry honey.
Worf- Kill them, kill them all! hahahahahaha
Picard- The Primedirective strictly prohibits-
Trio- Choclate (munch) the key (munch) I need more!
Beverly- I wish your father was here to tell you this, and I wish those voices would go away.
Data- I am full functional in over three million-
Geordi- Do I look like I now the facts of life to you! And when the kids next door say poke yourself in the eye with this red hot needle, tell them to shove it up their (tap ran out)
Ensign Ro- Punch! Whack!
O'Brien- I'm married!
Barcly- Well, well, er, you see, er, wwww, I was on Big Brother-Voyager once! (We don't care Reg, go h,h,h,hhome! Nuts, its contagous!)
Day 999999999.09, and the crew have completed their final task on Big brother and are now awaiting the votes.
Reg Barely, being the only one left, is down hearted when he finds out he's been voted off the show. Which leaves the computer with the £20.00 cheque for winning.
Response "Fatal Error, kill all non humans" Thats okay then, people watching this aren't human any ways.

Coming up next, after a few prompts by crew member with large caliber Sub Machine Guns and connection with the Russian Maffia, have forced (delete last word) persauded me to commence work on the next Big Brother Cross Over. Sorry about this....

Big Brother, Over Zealous!
(All procedes go towards the USS Zealous restoration fund, god knows we need the hard currency.
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Marcus Lacroix » Wed Aug 27, 2003 6:32 pm

lol that was funny jake...heres a good one:

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phaser were hung in the armory securely,
In hopes that no alien would get up that early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face to face......

When out in the hall there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, donning pants and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"

The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.
When, what on the viewscreen, our eyes should behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.

But the glint in his eye was so strange and askew
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zaped on the bridge and addressed us by name:

"It's Riker, It's Data, It's Worf and Jean-Luc!"
"It's Geordi, and Wesley the genetic fluke!"
"To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"

As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this, Q?!"

The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again!
As we took in our plight, and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at
once!"
And Riker said, "Worf, take aim at this dunce!"

"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc", replied Q.
"I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you!"
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.

"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor, and dug into his pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.

"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain.
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've some mints, as his breath's not to great
And for Geordi LaForge, an infaltable date."

"For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-plus;
For Data, a joke book, for Riker a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
For Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way."

And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"
Marcus Lacroix
 

and another....

Postby Marcus Lacroix » Wed Aug 27, 2003 6:36 pm

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcripts. Epsidode 3.1 : Windows vs
The Borg

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts
at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker (looks puzzled): "What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?"

Data (turns to answer): "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg
command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will
begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates
a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade.' The use of
resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg
will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their
processing ability will be taken over and none will be available
for their normal operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that
'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

... 15 Minutes Later ...

Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in
the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of
all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of
the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage
and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication
of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
there is something we missed."

Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade.' Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3 ..."

Geordi (excited): "Wait, Captain, I just detected their CPU
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"

Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows'
module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU
capacity."

Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce
their functionality."

... Two Hours Pass ...

Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time
they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest
deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from
something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'.

Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"

Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an
interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the
'Microsoft' logo!"

Over the speakers: "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID
ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight
toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they
survive deep space?!"

Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will
look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying
something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin
leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!"

Riker and Picard together (horrified): "Lawyers!!"

Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it
with pieces of paper."

Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red
tape' -- it often proves fatal."

Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even
the Borg deserves that."
Marcus Lacroix
 

Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Aug 27, 2003 9:01 pm

Jake, I can't wait until you do a Zealous Big Brother version! I'm definitely going to look forward to reading it, and seeing what you come up with!

Knowing you, it'll be both brilliant and hysterical at the same time!
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Postby Jake Sjet » Thu Aug 28, 2003 4:26 am

I think I'll wait for promotionsto be handed out, that way if I'm promted I can only be demoted back to Ensign, and not torpedo tube cleaner second class.
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Taneth » Thu Aug 28, 2003 4:30 am

Jokes only geeks will understand
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't
There's no place like 127.0.0.1
Beware of geeks bearing gifs
1011001000011101102001101

C program run.
C program crash.
C programmer quit.

C code:
See code run
Run code, run
RUN DAMMIT!

Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\> _
Canadian DOS confirm: Eh? (Yeh/Neh) _

BEATLES SONGS FOR THE COMPUTER AGE
YESTERDAY

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

ELEANOR RIGBY

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?



UNIX MAN (Nowhere Man)

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin,
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(l) your command.

He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(l), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.



WRITE IN C ("Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.



SOMETHING

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now

You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...

Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!
Last edited by Taneth on Thu Aug 28, 2003 8:06 am, edited 3 times in total.
If the apocalypse comes, I sure hope it comes in the form of Threadfall because I am SO getting a dragon.
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Postby Jake Sjet » Thu Aug 28, 2003 5:04 am

When those things reach the top ten chart, the phrase "And the geeks will inherite the Earth" will come true, for the end will be extremly niegh!

Also, with the up coming BB Zealous I would like to know if any of you own guns, and if you do how far away from brtain are you. This infromation is strictly for insurance perposes and the buying of bullet proof vests. Thank you.
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Taneth » Thu Aug 28, 2003 5:18 am

I own a tommy gun and I live right next door to you :: big grin ::
(j/k)
If the apocalypse comes, I sure hope it comes in the form of Threadfall because I am SO getting a dragon.
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Postby Jake Sjet » Thu Aug 28, 2003 5:59 am

All I ask is that how ever come after me (once I finish BB Zealous, not before) that they use a sharpe intrument to sever my head, I've had bad experiances in the past with people using blunt axes. And if any one wants to add their two cents here for the disaster, i mena experiance of a life time (or the end of a life time, or in the case of Zane the end of eight life times) feel free to do so.
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Zania Jaarda » Thu Aug 28, 2003 8:14 am

Top 10 Complaints from the Romulan Intelligence Community

10. Federation keeps smuggling loads of "Coed Naked Parise's Squares" T-shirts to Romulan universities.
9. Every other officer is related to Tasha Yar.
8. "Romulan" is an anagram for "unmoral".
7. Shoulder pads on our new uniforms are so big we look like a Vulcanoid version of the Green Bay Packers.
6. Comissary at Agency HQ serves watered-down Romulan ale.
5. Ever since we blew up our own Vulcan invasion force, it's been impossible to get volunteers for the next one.
4. Name "Enterprise" sounds suspiciosly like Romulan phrase "enn t'rp reis". Meaning "your mother sucks eggs".
3. All of Sela's big plans work about as well as lead balloons.
2. Stole the blueprints for the Federation's proposed Escher class starship, but can't make head nor tail out of them.
1. $800 million credit cloaked surveillance satellite in Earth orbit was supposed to moniter Starfleet HQ, but only picks up MTV instead.
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Thu Aug 28, 2003 8:30 am

TOP 10 THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH MONTGOMERY SCOTT'S HEAD

10. "I save them and all I get is a shuttlecarft? I should've asked for the engineering section"

9. "If we are at peace with the Klingons we must be at peace with the Romulans too, I think I'll go visit Mr. Spock..."

8. "Here's a good one 'Wanted: Federation Scrapyard Manager, must be smart enough to keep track of several scrapped ships'"

7. "These Pakleds are pretty nice, I wonder why Mr. LaForge warned be about them?"

6. "Lets see if Reisa is any better than Argelius for getting laid"

5. "I wonder if I'm elegible for 75 years worth of retirement payments?"

4. "Here's another one: 'Wanted: Chief Engineer for Soyuz-Class starship...'"

3. "Now was that a left at Starbase 23 or a right?"

2. "Hmmmm, I wonder if that big cubical ship needs an engineer?"

and the number one thought going through Montomery Scott's head:

1. "I knew I should've gone before I left the Enterprise"
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Thu Aug 28, 2003 8:32 am

Data's Top Ten (Pre-Generations) Attempts at Humor

10. "Say...is that your computer's interface terminal, or did its bilinear isolinear matrix
subprocessor default to its primary setting?
9. "Take my wires...please?"
8. "Inquiry: Why did the bipedal fowl laterally transverse the paved transportation surface?...Answer: In order to relocate at the new coordinates!"
7. "A man and an android walk into a bar. The man says to the android: 'I am thirsty.' The android goes berzerk and kills him."
6. "I have a positronic funny bone."
5. "My wife is so ugly that she is visually unappealing."
4. "342.47 megahertz? Bn46.2945 - 34z!! Ha ha ha!"
3. Putting "I brake for the Borg" stickers all over the ship.
2. "Whoo...it is so hot today that I may have to activate my internal thermostat!"
1. Walking around with that goofy smile from "Data's Day."
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Thu Aug 28, 2003 6:50 pm

Just some interesting US State mottos:

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only the Kennedy's Don't Own It --Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extr! emism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things with Corn

Kansas: First of the Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster!

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense from the Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an
Attorney!

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Thu Aug 28, 2003 6:59 pm

Foreign Phrases

The following were winners of a magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS: Can you drive a French motorcycle?
IDIOS AMIGOS: We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI: I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUM: I think; therefore I waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you're Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF: Life is feudal.
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI: The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM: Death styles of the rich and famous.
PRO BOZO PUBLICO: Support your local clown (or politician, your call).
MONAGE A TROIS: I am three years old.
FELIX NAVIDAD: Our cat has a boat.
HASTE CUISINE: Fast French food.
VENI, VIDI, VICE: I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO: Fast retort.
ALOHA OY: Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never know.
MAZEL TON: Tons of luck.
VISA LA FRANCE: Don't leave your chateau without it.
AMICUS PURIAE: Platonic friend.
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO: I'm bossy around here.
COGITO, ERGO SPUD: I think, therefore I Yam. (OK, more than one letter.)
VENI, VIDI, VELCRO: I came, I saw, I stuck around. (OK, another exception.)
ICH BIT EIN BERLINER: He deserved it.
ZITGEIST: The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up.
NOMO ARIGATO: No thanks to you.
Zania Jaarda
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Fri Aug 29, 2003 8:36 am

Top 10 Funny Store Signs

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
Zania Jaarda
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Fri Aug 29, 2003 8:40 am

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
Zania Jaarda
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Fri Aug 29, 2003 8:46 am

Oreo Psycho-Personality Test


Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing - this means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's OK, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical. You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the Point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit

4. Feverish Nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations in to good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal,behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's OK, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help- immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.
Zania Jaarda
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Fri Aug 29, 2003 10:45 pm

Q: What's the connection between the Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper?

A: They both travel around Uranus looking for Klingons.
Zania Jaarda
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Fri Aug 29, 2003 10:48 pm

Okay, this one is for a certain Zealous helm officer:

Texas Talkin'

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State...


The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart

As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person

Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy

Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action

We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced

He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink

She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker

It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice

Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving

This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block

He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y

They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin

Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told

As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart

You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing
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