Humorous Zen

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:22 am

"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup."

"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."

"Excuse me, do you have a pencil?"

"Never put a sock in a toaster."

"So my choice is 'Or Death?' "

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:23 am

"I'm a one-man idiot"

"Twang him into a tree!"

"I'm an Action Transvestite"

"My name is NOT Tracy"

"They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash' "

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:24 am

"You peeve me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants"

"Run, Charlie, Run!"

"Death or plumbing?"

"I like my coffee like I like my women. Covered in beeeees!"

"Is this a sultry tune Mrs Badcrumble?"

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:25 am

"Control-P-Print!"

"Who's pig is this?"

"Help!! I'm covered in beeeeeeees!!"

"Wouldn't you rather die and be twung into a tree?"

"Nooo! You don't have the Nottingham Twang!"

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:26 am

"In married life three is company and two none."
From 'The Importance of Being Earnest' 1895.

"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."
From 'The Importance of Being Earnest' 1895.

"I can resist everything except temptation."
From 'Lady Windemere's Fan' 1892.

"Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes."
From 'Lady Windemere's Fan' 1892.

"There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."
From 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' 1891.

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:27 am

"It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly."
From 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' 1891.

"Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people."
From 'Sebastian Melmoth' 1891.

"The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - The unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable."
From 'A Woman of No Importance' 1893.

"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:29 am

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:30 am

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them."

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:31 am

"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."

"You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back."

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."

"I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:48 am

"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."

"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."

"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."

"I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:49 am

"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..."

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."

"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."

"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:50 am

"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."

"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet."

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:52 am

"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."

"I speak Esparanto like a native."

"In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife."

"Hisvibrator sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his (privates)."

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:52 am

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."

"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."

"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."

"You silly twisted boy."

"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it ."

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:53 am

"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."

"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

"I invented the cordless extension cord."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious."

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:54 am

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

"I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy."

"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."

"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 9:09 pm

"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner."
Ben Bergor

"Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated."
Garry Trudeau

"Have no fear of perfection--you'll never reach it."
Salvador Dali

"I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments."
Jim Morrison

"I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships."
Gilda Radner

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 9:10 pm

"Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected."
Unknown

"People like you are the reason people like me take pills!"
Neva Faith Linn

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
Unknown

"Anyone seen in a bus over the age of 30 has been a failure in life."
Loelia, Duchess of Westminster

"There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and"
Brad Ramsey

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 9:11 pm

"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
Mae West

"I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited."
Oscar Wilde

"Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls."
Groucho Marx

"Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match and boys had cooties!"
Unknown

"Our childhood is what we spend the rest of our lives overcoming."
Amy Bennett

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 9:12 pm

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

"A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling."
Stephen Fry

"A hard man is good to find."
Mae West

"Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot."
Dick Gregory

"A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married."
H.L. Mencken

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 9:14 pm

"I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things."
Alan Coren

"I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror."
Flann O'Brien

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
Groucho Marx

"No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not."
H.L. Mencken

"The concerts you enjoy together
Neighbors you annoy together
Children you destroy together,
That keep marriage in tact."
Stephen Sondheim

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 9:16 pm

"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy."
Unknown

"Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol."
Unknown

"Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast."
Compton Mackenzie

"I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect."
Harvey Fierstein

"He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie."
Neil Simon

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 9:17 pm

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Dean Martin

"Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
Fran Lebowitz

"Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy."
Michelle Pfeiffer

"How I see it is that men get one night of pleasure, and we get nine months of putting them through hell and getting away with it."
Sara Swank

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 9:18 pm

"I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last."
Al Forman (former MLB umpire)

"I wanted to kill the hottest person on Earth. Then I learned that there were laws against suicide."
Missy Fruchter

"I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?"
Leo Duracher

"A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house."
Unknown

"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet."
Bill Cosby

by **Zania Jaarda** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 9:20 pm

"Sometimes you have to do that with adults--just say what they need you to say--so they'll get out of your face."
Tarantula Shoes by Tom Birdseye

"I'm so far gone that I'm telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language."
Father Figure by Richard Peck

"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones

"Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood."
Cal Thomas

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
Fred Allen

Humorous Zen

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