Humorous Zen

Here lies games and other Zen Threads for the USS Zealous

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Oct 14, 2003 9:02 pm

"My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I had the chance."
Denis Leary

"Once you're dead you're made for life."
Jimi Hendrix

"Mick Jagger is about as sexy as a peeing toad."
Truman Capote

"All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff."
Frank Zappa

"I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke."
Spike Milligan
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:09 am

"There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad."
Salvador Dali

"If it sells, it's art."
Frank Lloyd

"Salvador Dali seduced many ladies, particularly American ladies, but these seductions usually consisted of stripping them naked in his apartment, frying a couple of eggs, putting them on the woman's shoulders and, without a word, showing them the door."
Luis Bunuel

"This is either a forgery or a damn clever original."
Frank Sullivan

"Anyone who sees and paints a sky green and fields blue ought to be sterilsed."
Adolf Hitler
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:10 am

"Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves they have a better idea."
John Ciardi

"An amateur is someone who supports himself with outside jobs which enable him to paint. A professional is someone whose wife works to enable him to paint."
Ben Shahn

"When having my portrait painted I don't want justice, I want mercy."
Billy Hughes

"The art galleries of Paris contain the finest collection of frames I ever saw."
Humphrey Davy

"I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter."
Tommy Cooper
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:11 am

"Andy Warhol is the only genius I've ever known with an I.Q. of 60."
Gore Vidal

"Who among us has not gazed at a painting of Jackson Pollack's and thought: What a piece of crap?"
Rob Long

"A high-brow is someone who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso."
AP Herbert

"Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these, 3,000 are still in existence."
Wilhelm Bode

"Abstract art is the product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered."
Al Capp
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:12 am

"Mona Lisa looks as if she has just been sick, or is about to be."
Noel Coward

"Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it."
Samuel Butler

"Painting is the art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic."
Ambrose Bierce

"Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course."
George Bernard Shaw

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
Pablo Picasso
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:13 am

"An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not enough to lend to."

"An ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country."

"A violin is the revenge exacted by the intestines of a dead cat."

Peace (n): In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate."
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:13 am

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher."

"A grave is a place where the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student."

"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage."

Saint (n): A dead sinner revised and edited.

"An archbishop is an ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop."
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:14 am

"The report of my death was an exaggeration."

"They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they pronounce."

"The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money."

"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet."

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:14 am

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years."

"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. "

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:15 am

"Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course."

"Those who can do, those who can't teach."

"Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty."

"England and America are two countries divided by a common language."

"My reputation grows with every failure."
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:16 am

"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."

"Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability."

"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."

"I was always unlawful; I broke the law when I was born because my parents weren't married."

"Assassination is the extreme form of censorship."
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 8:19 am

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
Rodney Dangerfield

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeners

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George Carlin

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
Steve Martin
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 8:19 am

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
Les Dawson

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."
Steven Wright

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 8:21 am

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
Charlie Brown

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carrey
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 8:22 am

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
Emo Philips

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 8:23 am

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Steven Wright

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
Henry Youngman

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Emo Philips
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 8:25 am

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright

"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel (with women) I'd come out sucking my thumb."
Freddie Starr

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
Spike Milligan

"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Eric Morecambe

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
Rowan Atkinson
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 8:28 am

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 8:28 am

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 8:29 am

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."

"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 8:30 am

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."

"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five."

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:16 am

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
From 'Death' 1975.

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
From 'Without Feathers' 1976.
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:17 am

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:19 am

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"

"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'"
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Oct 15, 2003 10:20 am

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"
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