What Flame Warrior are you?

A PBEM sim taking place on a Prometheus Class vessel. The cutting edge in Federation technology with a good sized crew and a great deal of excitement.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 9:52 am

Ego

For Ego, the discussion forum is all about him and his issues, and he regards discussions that stray from those topics as trivial dalliances. Although tolerant of an occasional shift in focus, Ego grows increasingly restive from extended inattention and will often provoke conflict to reestablish himself as the subject at hand. Ego dismisses with only a cursory reading any forum traffic that doesn't relate directly to him, but replies at length to everything else. Ego is one the the fiercest of all the Warriors and will fight to the death when attacked.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 9:53 am

Ent

In bygone days Ents roamed the internet regularly making knowledgeable contributions to established and purposeful forums, but in recent times they have grown quiet. Indeed, Ents are so rarely heard from these days that some Netizens believe they no longer exist. When aroused from dormancy, however, Ent is an extremely powerful and ferocious Warrior, all the more formidable because he is venerated by veteran Warriors who will instantly spring to his defense. Warriors who chop and burn an Ent in battle will not earn glory, but will instead incite the enmity of the entire forum.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 9:56 am

Ennui

Ennui only rouses himself from his torpor to cajole other Warriors to be more interesting - without, of course, ever contributing anything of interest himself. Ennui has limited weaponry at his disposal, but his majestic affectation of boredom provides an effective defense to attacks. When pressed in battle he will announce his intention of moving on to a more stimulating forum, but instead he will generally lurk quietly until the threat passes.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 9:57 am

Ethnix

Ethnix is an extremely powerful Warrior who effectively exploits his minority status and the general nervousness about race to gain advantage in battle. Ethnix deftly wields his ethnicity and can instantly shift from defense to offense, keeping even the most skillful Warriors off balance. Impostor, covetous of his power, often impersonates Ethnix, but he can seldom maintain the ruse. While all Warriors are wary of Ethnix, he is most feared by Weenie.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 9:58 am

Evil Clown

Evil Clown is very quick with a joke, but his jests always have a barb. He has little patience for in-depth discussions and will often disrupt exchanges between serious forum participants by introducing irrelevant topics, fatuous quips, and offhand comments. His greatest thrill is to taunt and humiliate weaker or more plodding Warriors with his snappy ripostes. When a strong Warrior finally corners him Evil Clown will attempt to escape by accusing his attacker of having no sense of humor.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 9:59 am

Fanboy

Though annoying and often disruptive, Fanboy is a relatively harmless Warrior because his interests and knowledge are strictly limited a single obsession, such as a particular video game, celebrity, television show, movie, sports team, computer operating system, comic book – almost anything, really. Fanboy’s compulsive fixation makes him very easy to identify, but it also arms him with supernatural tenacity in defending his fetish. A suggestion of a minor improvement to the object of his adoration or benign criticism of it immediately brings down a cascade of virulent abuse. Indeed, it is almost impossible to have a reasonable discussion about his subject because anyone not in 100% agreement with him will get bludgeoned with accusations of ignorance or malicious intent. Once his sensitivities are fully exposed, Evil Clown, Troller and Jerk will goad Fanboy mercilessly. CAUTION: ANYONE can become a Fanboy, but the warning signs of a larval Fanboy are subtle and easily overlooked. Are you a little hasty to defend, say, Linux? Are you increasing impatient with people who aren’t fans of your favorite sports team? Has it become important to you that everyone understands that Anime is superior to Manga? If so, you are standing at the edge of the abyss – step back before it’s too late.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:00 am

Ferrous Cranus

Ferrous Cranus is utterly impervious to reason, persuasion and new ideas, and when engaged in battle he will not yield an inch in his position regardless of its hopelessness. Though his thrusts are decisively repulsed, his arguments crushed in every detail and his defenses demolished beyond repair he will remount the same attack again and again with only the slightest variation in tactics. Sometimes out of pure frustration Philosopher will try to explain to him the failed logistics of his situation, or Therapist will attempt to penetrate the psychological origins of his obduracy, but, ever unfathomable, Ferrous Cranus cannot be moved.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:02 am

Filibuster

Filibuster and his pet topic form an endless loop. If his first thrust doesn't win the day, he will try to gain ground with a second, third, fourth ... nth repetition. He may even make a good initial attack, but his monotonous hectoring and prodigious output rapidly clears the field of other Warriors. Filibuster eventually lands in everyone's killfile.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:03 am

Fragile Femme

Fragile Femme is very needy and insecure and regards the discussion forum as her personal support group, and will lash out when her feelings are not "validated" by the others. Fragile Femme will often refer to the forum participants as her "family" and becomes distraught at disharmony of any kind. She regards even minor disagreements with her as devastating personal assaults and will often dissolve into hysteria when confronted. Her hyperactive sense of injury renders her fighting tactics fairly ineffective, but Innocence Abused, Cyber Sisters or Weenie will often spring to her defense.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:04 am

Furious Typer

Furious Typer’s combat strategy is to drown her adversary with a tsunami of angry verbiage. She is absolutely immune to subtlty and ignores all but the barest essentials of any argument. After breifly appraising the gist of her opponent’s counter attack she puts her head down and rapidly fires off long rambling messages replete with grammitical and factual errors. The typical Furious Typer lacks endurance, however, and if the other combatants can weather the initial assault she will quickly exhaust herself and retire from the field.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:06 am

Garble

Garble is a mystery: Is he a foreigner with only tenuous grasp of English? Is his brain addled by some powerful drug? Does he suffer a serious mental debility? Is he typing wearing a catcher's mit? Garble's rampant typos, malapropisms and seemingly aggressive use of execrable grammar can't be explained merely in terms of poor typing skills or the lack of a spell checker. Even non-English speakers generally do a better job of punctuation grammar and capitalization, and Garble is all the more puzzling because if one goes to the trouble of wading through the muddle of his messages a discernable idea will usually emerge. For example, in a forum discussion about a painting he might say, "Sorry the picchr the har is wrog. The culir. I liike the lips bot teh Paintng is sucs". When attacked for his random capitalization Garble might respond, "oPS i HITTED THE CAPDLOCK". Not surprisingly, he drives Grammarian and Nitpick absolutely nuts, but he is utterly impervious to any sort of correction and if their attacks persist he will sign off in a huff with something like, "yuor forum si stupef. bYE!" CAUTION: Garble may be Net Rat.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:22 am

God

In the beginning, before bandwidth, there was nothingness. Out of that endless void God and His heavenly host created...Arpanet, and it was good. But the scientific, military and computer angels Who dwelled in Arpanet were lonely, so They brought forth Browser, and the Web was born. It, too, was good and the children of the internet lived in peace and harmony and were fruitful and multiplied, but God warned His people not to eat of the forbidden fruit of commercialism. Alas, they disobeyed and soon barbarians drove the children of the internet out of Paradise. God, in His wrath, turned away from His people and condemned them to wander in the digital wilderness, but from time to time He will suddenly appear in mailing lists, chat rooms and discussion forums to remind us sinners that we could be saved if only we would hearken unto Him.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:25 am

Godfather

Forums often contain one or more unacknowledged sub-societies, but everyone except the most clueless know that these groups exist and constantly feel their influence. Such alliances congeal because of similarities in ideas and attitudes, or for the desire for power and influence within the forum. Since human beings are hierarchical creatures each of these these little mafias always have a Godfather who is surrounded by a cadre of loyal henchmen. Unlike Rebel Leader, Issues, Furious Typer and other noisy Warriors, Godfather only occasionally deigns to enter into discussions, but when he does everyone listens to him respectfully and his pronouncements have an air of finality. Though Godfather himself never engages in battle, it is commonly understood that his utterances should not be challenged, and when an unsuspecting Newbie or ambitious wannabe mounts a challenge to his authority Godfather’s henchmen viciously silence or drive away the attacker.

CAUTION: It is taboo for any member of a forum mafia to acknowledge the organization’s existence, and it is absolutely forbidden to refer to Godfather as its leader. If directly confronted about mafia activity Godfather will deny any knowledge of the organization.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:27 am

Godzilla

It was a peaceful and productive forum; lively, congenial and a bounteous source of useful information. Then one day, completely without warning, Godzilla arose from the depths and blew his scalding breath on everything in his path. A phalanx of Warriors mobilized to attack the monster, only to be crushed like so many toy tanks under Godzilla's mighty feet. Godzilla soon reduced the forum to searing and consuming flames. Just as abruptly, he rumbled back beneath the waves, leaving all to tremble in fear of his return. Net life would never be the same. Sadly, many netizens who survive a Godzilla attack will become Xenophobes.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:39 am

Grammarian

Grammarian usually has little to contribute to a discussion and possesses few effective weapons. To compensate, he will point out minor errors in spelling and grammar. Because of Grammarian's obvious weakness most Warriors ignore him.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:40 am

Grenade

Grenade isn't actually a Warrior, per se, but he is an ordnance so widely employed by combatants that no Flame Warriors guide would be complete without mentioning him. When lobbed into a discussion forum Grenade instantly reduces any semblance of reasonable discourse to smoking rubble and sets in motion the forces of war. Grenade can be loaded with different explosives depending on the forum, but some common detonating materials are Clinton, gun control, homosexuality, Reagan, abortion, taxes, conspiracy theory, the NEA, welfare reform, etc. When beleaguered and facing certain defeat a Warrior can deflect even the most determined attack by triggering a diversionary explosion. Grenade is a particularly destructive weapon when wielded by Evil Clown, Issues, Troglodyte and even Weenie, but almost any Warrior can use it to gain a temporary strategic advantage. Grenade is the preferred weapon of Troller and L'Enfant Provocateur. Eagle Scout has been known to throw himself upon Grenade to save the forum.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:41 am

Grunter

Grunter always reponds to discussion forum messages with a single word or a short phrase, and he NEVER edits quoted material . Profundus Maximus, Philosopher, Tireless Rebutter, and other verbose Warriors find Grunter a particularly exasperating opponent because he will answer their lengthy pontifications with a simple "Yeah!". "Get a life.", "Whatever", "I agree." "Wrong.", etc. While Grunter is not a strong Warrior, he is very elusive and difficult to engage in direct battle, and only by his extended silence is there any indication that he has been vanquished.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:43 am

Howlers

Howlers generally populate academic, technical or special interest forums in which particular issues are discussed. Newbies to such forums often wander in thinking they have found some devastating new argument that contradicts accepted wisdom on the forum topic. Of course, if the forum is a long-standing and active discussion group it will probably have heard and debated the argument at length, so instead of reviving a dead topic Howlers will simply shout and throw excrement until the intruder leaves.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:49 am

Ideologue

There are two distinct varieties of Ideologue, conservative and liberal, but each being smug and self satisfied in his certitudes, they are really flip sides of the same coin. Though Ideologue's "opinions" merely represent a loose collection of intellectual conceits he is nonetheless astonished, bewildered and angered when his views are not immediately embraced as Truth. He regards honest disagreement as a form of cognitive dissonance that can only be cured by relentless propagandizing. The conservative iteration of Ideologue parades himself as a logical, clear thinker, while the liberal version trumpets his higher level of mental, spiritual and social awareness. Troglodyte is the natural ally of conservative Ideologue, and for liberal Ideologue it is Weenie. Whether conservative or liberal, Ideologue is a fierce, but very predictable Warrior.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:50 am

Imposter

Impostor is a digital Proteus who changes his persona whenever it suits his purposes. That 21 year old co-ed from Arizona State you met in a discussion forum may, in fact, be a retired steel worker from Pittsburgh. Impostor will claim to be black, white, rich, poor, young, old, straight or gay, and if he's good he can pull it off - at least for a while. Of course, there are sinister, even criminal reasons Impostor would lie about who he is, but more often he fakes it to lend weight to his arguments, or simply to amuse himself. Impostor's requisite imagination and good writing skills can make him a formidable enemy, but even the best of this Warrior class will eventually blunder and reveal their true identity. Once uncovered, Impostor will always flee, but he may return in another form - you just never know...

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:52 am

Innocence Abused

Innocence Abused guards her purity jealously and cannot countenance crude language and gets the vapors over frank references to intimate bodily functions. This digital ingenue is a very weak Warrior, and is a favorite target of L'Enfant Provocateur, Jerk, Troller and Evil Clown, but Innocence Abused can always count on other Warriors, such as Cyber Sisters, Weenie and Toxic Granny, to come to her defense.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 10:55 am

Issues

Issues has an issue and she wants it to be everyone's issue. The discussion could be about fondue pots and Issue would rage about the multinational corporate conspiracy to exploit fondue pot workers. Of course, Issues is found among all ideological persuasions - anti-gun mothers, gun totin' mothers, bloodthirsty feminists, troglodyte misogynists, politically correct, politically incorrect, lefties, righties, vegetarians, carnivores, radical Rotarians - it doesn't matter. HINT: An effective tactic to employ against Issues is indifference.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 11:00 am

Jekyll and Hyde

As a forum participant Jekyll and Hyde always plays by the rules and is consistently cordial and helpful - a model netizen, until one day he comes completely uncorked and lashes out without warning. His unanticipated thunderbolts can temporarily rout even the sturdiest Warriors, and it often takes some time for his stunned opponents to mount a counter attack. Jekyll and Hyde's sudden behavioral change may result from a psychotic episode, PMS, a downturn in the market, a surprise visit by the in-laws - or a session of hard drinking...

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 11:01 am

Jerk

Jerk is sarcastic, mean, unforgiving and never misses an opportunity to make a cutting remark. Jerk's repulsive personality quickly alienates other Warriors, and after some initial skirmishing he is usually ostracized. Still, Jerk is very happy to participate in electronic forums because in cyberspace he is free to be himself...without the risk of getting a real-time punch in the mouth.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Oct 18, 2004 11:03 am

Klaxon

WARNING!!! YOU MUST READ THIS!!! Klaxon, the internet Chicken Little, raises the alarm for each and every paranoid conspiracy theory, Federal Big-Brother scheme, internet hoax, and latest computer virus. No black helicopter alert is so ludicrous, no urban legend so implausible, that he will not pass it along as accepted fact (in ALL CAPS with multiple exclamation marks). Congratulations, you are recipient 16,747 of today's Urban Myth. CAUTION: Often Klaxon knowingly posts false alarms to foment mischief.

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