Joke Thread- Star Wars- The Shameless Rip Off

A PBEM sim taking place on a Prometheus Class vessel. The cutting edge in Federation technology with a good sized crew and a great deal of excitement.

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Postby Ducane » Sat Feb 28, 2004 7:06 pm

Jake Sjet wrote:Jalovel-Ah...well…. Light…now then lets start the match!


No pun intended there then ;)
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Postby Ti'ana » Sat Feb 28, 2004 9:18 pm

you guys are too much
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Postby Ti'ana » Sat Feb 28, 2004 9:23 pm

The Zealous and the Plague of Ferretts

Jaarda: Helm, where are you taking us?
Murdock : to that big ferrett hill in space you dope! Arent you supposed to be telapathic and junk? cripes!
Ducane: I have devised a special ferrett serum if there are any injuries
Sjet: Get my pepto ready. My better half is hungry and ferretts are on the menu ::licks his chops::

Ti'ana::rolls eyes:: Captain, I am getting a strange reading....

ZAP!!! A beam of puce light envelopes the ship, and then::

Ti'ana: Squeakety squeak squeak squeaken?!?!
Jaarda: Squeaker Squeak squeak!!! SQUEAKENPOOF!!
Sjet: ::crunch munch:: mmm....
Ducane: Squeak uuuu!!
Murdock: Squeakin' squeaks'n'squeaks!!


TO BE CONTINUED!!!
(probably not) :mrgreen:
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Postby Jake Sjet » Wed Mar 03, 2004 7:09 pm

Well....I'm sure Ti'ana, creator of Bubble and Squeak will bring us more...after the critters climb out of the warp core.
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Postby Jake Sjet » Thu Mar 25, 2004 6:53 pm

Europa and Busted

Three people....
One question...
No hope....


Saturn.
Nice place to visit.
Not a nice place to live.
Gas and lots of it, sure is pretty but it’ll turn your insides into liquid pulp in a second cause it doesn’t care.
And doesn’t take bribes. No….no young space walkers look to its moons for life…okay look to just one…no…no not that one…No...to the left…no my left which is your…oh forget it…
THAT ONE!
Yes, the one called Rhea…. R-H-E-A….the pretty blue one…yes, that one…amnd yes of course you knew where it was….

Rhea, home to one mining colony and the start of a epic journey, and a joint journey into the stuff of dreams.
Fame, you’re not going to live forever so get with the program. We call them stars but the real thing…well has you ever counted them? Millions…trillions…big place eh? Cheap rent to, got a deal with the/…wait I’m going off topic so less about me and a bit more about our hapless idiots…
Er…
Intrepid Voyagers!
First we have the ‘White Face’, deadly serious to a fault and wants you (yes you paying $5 a second to read this) to laugh at what he says even if you have no idea what he’s talking about. He will reject any love you wish to give him.
Then there is the ‘Red Nose’, a man who will beg, pled and cry to gain your affection as an audience. He’s the practical joker, the crude abuser of comedy. The one with the cream pie and water bottle. He’s the one who will want to make you laugh until your head explodes…and then make you laugh after that!
And who’s left?
Sanity, the sane one, the one who tells the others the wrongs of their ways while still performing her trade on the stages to attract a laugh or two. Be this by enforcing a stereotype or mimicking one of the two others, this chameleon of being has both the talents of the Red Nose and the orderliness of the White Face. Thus giving birth to ‘The Single Tear’, a comic who is set between the two.
To act as the peace maker between two raging empires of satirical might.
A bridge across a foaming rapid.
A target in cross fire.

And so here we have, the beginning of a series.
The pilot for a saga.
The obituary of this idea?
For we have Sjet the ‘White Face’.
Ti’ana, the kind and energetic ‘Single Tear’.
And Alex the toddler trapped in a mans body ‘Red Nose’.
And their ship, the space tug Curtain Call.
And they don’t have a hope, a wish...or a cats chance in hell of making it on the planet of show biz...Europa!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Thu Mar 25, 2004 7:06 pm

ROTFL! Great to see a brand new post in this one! It looks like this is going to be a fantastic series of posts! I can't wait for the next one! :-D
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Postby Jake Sjet » Fri Mar 26, 2004 7:45 pm

Europa and Busted
Making the Splint


Rain is bad, its damp and makes you feel down and gray. Basically it kills any and all attempts at comedy or laughter.

Now….acid rain, -180 C temperatures and icy waste lands…well most comic acts to hit the mining out post of Snow Ball are usually dead on arrival.

Or that was how Ti’ana saw things as she hugged the parka jacket closely to her and made tracks into the icy tundra that covered Rhea. Her foot steps easily took her half a meter into the air what with Rhea’s 1/6 of earth’s gravity, making her stride a good five meters from the ice encrusted Curtain Call to the pressure dome of Snow Ball.
Now remember this little bit of info ladies and gentlemen, it’s December 31 and it’s 6 pm. New Years Eve and it’s gonna be on hell of a party.

Not because it comes once a year.
But on Rhea, that’s once a life time.
Sign up for a year in Snow Ball’s mines and you’ll get good pay, doesn’t matter as there are no shops. But it’s only for a year right? One whole year!

That a earth year.
Not a Saturian year…whish is…oh…just shy of 59 years…
So when it becomes around the people of the Saturn System go all out to celebrate.

Mardi Gras timed by New Years Eve in Times Squared, squared by the Noting Hill Festival…and you’re a fraction to the way to finding the true meaning of a New Years shine dig on Rhea.

Alcohol? Band, but that’s spelt with a A... Moonshine...that’s with a M…
And at 6.15 pm, Ti’ana was going to see one hell of a show when herself, Jake and Alex went on stage to work the audience for what it was worth.

500 hundred thousand drunk, drug crazed miners who last saw living human flesh half a century ago….

She patted the butt of a the Colt 45, a form of crowd control she found worked well when placed against a window and the worlds “Come any closer and I’ll suck!”
Well…woman with a gun, what man in the universe would stand up to that force of nature?

Opening the pressure hatch marked in faded letters ‘Back Stage’, and shook of the last of the snow and what not.
The back stage room was nearly empty, all but three people in blue suits huddled in one corner, a Texan and his mechanical donkey (A classic, one is told) and Jake and Alex were all that remained of the line up.

Through the force field (Force field!?, they had all asked when they saw it.) trudged six women in out fits that would have caused the pope to smash a stained glass window and dance on the pieces. Some were crying into the white silky wings strapped to their arm’s, others wore shocked looks at the site they had just seen, whole others held the scalps of their victims…well…Space Ballet is a dangerous business…

Like I said old miners and fresh meet…blood and sharks…innocence and politics…all ends badly.
Anyway in Ti’ana’s mind it was all good sportsman ship…the more blood spilt by the “Ninja Flying Space ballerinas from Hell” only feed the crowd, making them more docile for the trio’s comedy act.
“Where the hell have you been?” Jake’s glowing visages growled “While you’ve been off playing in the snow I’ve had kittens you incompetent dolt!”

“Chill,” she joked, well…I hope she joked “all is in readiness. I found some one to follow our act.”
“Not another Side Show Wally, remember on Luna at the Solar System Fair...we were followed one by a exploding chimp…talking about stealing the thunder,” Alex muttered “we had to run from earth after being chased out by every animal welfare group known to man!”
“Okay so I’ve had some trouble getting a follow up, but I got it covered.” The two others looked at her with knowing eyes “trust me! This one has two legs!” still they stared “And it’s breathing!”
They sighed.

Their was a blood curdling scream and the sudden stampeding of mechanized hooves as the Texan ran out, bagging his mechanical ass as he went. A gruff man, tall and lean with a beer can lodged in his face grunted.

“Well...he’ll never work in this town again.” Seth muttered from behind the sweating bottle of Budweiser.
“Well,” Alex said, peering at the crowd through the forcefield….he’d seen gun shot wounds with better look than that rabble of hallucinogenic lunatics “at least he’ll live.”
“You got a contract?” Seth pointed out “6.15 pm until 8pm.”

“To what! Lion tame! No way, as the group’s collective common sense were pulling up the tent and heading out” Jake stated, making for the door.
“Hey, Sjet…mate…buddy!” Seth cooed, not hearing the flicker as the forcefield hit the floor “you don’t do this, and the ship oif yours becomes property of the SLA. You collective butts will belong to me and I’ll send ya all to work in the mines for half a year, that would be about 30 Terran years. You got me?”
“Yeah,” the part Iconian said as the scent of dried beer stains burned his eyes, causing him to weep “crystal”
“Great....now you gotta-” Seth was cut off.

“Alex is on stage.” Ti’ana noted mutely.
“Quiet Ti’ana, now look…” Sjet stopped, mouth open he turned slowly to face the open forcefield “what did you say?”
No need to repeat what she said.
The sound of range finding bottles thrown by a easily confused crowd, or mob…or riot…or small army…or people of a military dictatorship caught up in revolution, were words enough.
And all Jake and Ti’ana could hear was…
“Good evening ladies, wait your not a lady!”


Red Nose demand the attention because of their inability to understand that they have to grow up.
The White Faces want the attention because they deserve it because they hold the intellectual high ground, their mind if their whip with which they make you laugh.
The Single Tear want attention, for it is a mountain. And when asked why they wish to climb they answer with these words.
“Because it is there.”
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Jake Sjet » Sun Apr 11, 2004 9:05 am

The Desert of the Real, is a growing place of debris and suffering for the remainder of Mankind.
Our only hope…is Neo, The One.
Welcome to…
The Matrix!

Suddenly Agent Smith burst out of nowhere, spraying a hail of bullets at Neo (The One). All Neo does is hold up his hand and the bullets stop in their tracks, much to Smiths dismay.

Morpheus- Neo, you truly are the One!

Neo- No...I think the program crashed.

Suddenly the bullets drop to the floor, and Smith is sucked into a small square object. The world fades away and soon our two hero’s are left in a world far more terrifying than the Matrix or Machine City!

Morpheus- Where are we?

PaperClip- I see your trying to write a letter? Do you want help?

Morpheus- Be gone you annoying thing!

Neo- Look, a gate way in the code...it’s the Master Programmer!

Gates- Hi guys!

Morpheus- We need to return to the Matrix, it is our density.

Gate- Well that version is totally obsolete! You need to download a patch!

At this point Neo has gotten his foot jammed into the recycling bin, and is trying desperately to shake it off.

Downloading Matrix for XP 2004 Version 1.20303 0.00001 % complete

Five hours (Or one Lord of the Rings Film) later…

Downloading Matrix for XP 2004 Version 1.20303 0.000011 % complete

Neo- That’s it!

PaperClip- I see your trying to beat up Bill Gates? Do you want help?”
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

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Postby Ducane » Sun Apr 11, 2004 11:29 am

ROFL :lol:
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Postby Jake Sjet » Sat May 08, 2004 7:24 pm

(Alex)
I've got a theory,
that it's a alien,
a dancing alien,
no, something isn't right there.

(Ti’ana)
I've got a theory,
some one is dreaming,
and we're all stuck inside his wacky Broadway nightmare

(Murdock)
I've got a theory we should work this out,

(Ti’ana, Zania, Jalovel)
its getting eerie what’s this cheery singing all about.

(Murdock)
It could be witches, some evil witches,
which is ridiculous cause witches they were persecuted, and wicca,
good and loved the earth, and woman power, and I’ll be over here.

(Jalovel)
I've got a theory it could be Tribbles!...............

(Robinson)
I've got a theo--

(Jalovel)
Tribbles arent just cute like everybody supposes,
They got them fluffy coat of fur and twitchy little noses,
And whats with all the babies?
What do they need so much good times for anyway?
Tribbles, Tribbles, it must be Tribbles!
.... Or maybe midgets?

(Ti’ana)
I've got a theory we should work this fast,

(Ti’ana, Alex)
Because it clearly could get serious before it's past.

(Jake)
I've got a theory, It doesnt matter.
What can't we face if we're together?
What's in this place that we can't weather?
Apocalypse... we've all been there,
the same old trips, why should we care?

(All)
What cant we do if we get in it?
We'll work it through within a minute,
We have to try, we'll pay the price,
Its do or die,

(Jake)
Hey i've died twice!

(All)
What can't we face if we're together?
What's in this place that we can't weather?
There's nothing we cant face....

(Jalovel)
.... except for Tribbles.
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Ducane » Sun May 09, 2004 2:53 am

:lol:
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Postby Taneth » Sun May 09, 2004 3:38 am

I like the original, the one that bashes the rabbits.
If the apocalypse comes, I sure hope it comes in the form of Threadfall because I am SO getting a dragon.
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Postby Jake Sjet » Sun May 09, 2004 8:01 am

I know, but it fits well
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Sun May 09, 2004 8:30 am

You guys really know how to keep me laughing! I love this, Jake! Keep them coming!
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Postby Ti'ana » Wed May 12, 2004 2:08 am

ok, these little ditties are kinda CREEPY
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed May 12, 2004 11:21 am

Too bad this isn't Halloween, or they'd be perfect!
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Postby Lucasausems » Wed May 12, 2004 11:48 am

I have to say....you American people have already brought Valentine's day to our frogcountry, and Halloween is becoming more and more populair...
Personally I'm not fond of other countries holidays being brought to ours, but hey, we gave you the Christmas holiday so what am I yapping about...
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Postby Lucasausems » Thu May 13, 2004 3:07 pm

Along the beautiful stars glides the a ship, a spaceship with the USS Zealous.
It's Captain: Azianialix Ja'aarda
It's Commander: Missing
It's Chief Helm: Commander Murdock
It's Chief Ops: Lt. Ti'ana
It's Chief Science: Lt. Robinson
It's Chief Counselor: Lt. Richards
It's Chief Security: Lt. Hunt
It's Chief Engineering: Lt. Vaskel
It's Chief Medical: Commander S'jet
It's Chief Tactical: Lt. Osswell
It's Lounge Manager: Quamada

These eleven men, women, aliens and transgender species will be our characters for the story. First of all I would like you to know that the senior crew is way bigger now that I've written it down. G-sus Almighty! "Yes son"? What? I wasn't talking to ya G, take a hike! "Remember that I've suffered for all of you" Yeah right, thanks now go! "What has this world that Dad created come too.." *G-sus leaves*
Sorry about that, the guy thinks everything is his business, can't help it. Now let's get back to the story...

//Breefing Room//

Captain: People, we have a situation..
Richards: That's true, I all have to inform you, that S'jet is in denile
S'jet: No I'm not
Richards: See?
S'jet: Be carefull or the Construct will take over...
*Suddenly all sirenes go off and Osswell and Hunt grab there multi-anti-Construct devouring-weapon*
S'jet: Or....maybe not....
Robinson: I have to point out that changing you're form is quite impossible Mister S'jet.
S'jet: No it's not
Richards: Denile!
S'jet: Damn....
Vaskel: Robinson is right, it is inlogical
Ti'ana: Nothing is logical
S'jet: That's not quite true
Richards: Denile!
Dillard: .... (excuse commander Dillard but since he is missing he can't say anything)
Murdock: I've once flown to a place, where there were only aliens! Can y' believe that!
Quamada: That was my homeworld..
S'jet: That's true
Richards: Deni... No never mind
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Fri May 14, 2004 10:30 am

ROTFL! That's a good one, Luke!
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Postby Lucasausems » Fri May 14, 2004 10:38 am

Well first time for everything :D
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Postby Jake Sjet » Fri May 14, 2004 4:59 pm

Not to bad there Luke.....not to self, destroy the competition...looks like I'm doing that in the mission anyway! :o :o
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Postby Ducane » Fri May 14, 2004 5:29 pm

Note to self: Destroy the competition, and remember to buy a notepad to write these damn notes on!
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Postby Lucasausems » Sat May 22, 2004 5:32 am

Here ya go *hands over notpad*
Now that'll be 2 bars of goldpressed latinum
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Postby Jake Sjet » Wed Jun 09, 2004 7:45 am

[Jalovel]
The Zealous lounge is gloomy!

[Murdock]
The Zealous is so bleak!

[Vaskel]
My underwear got frozen standing here all week!

[GROUP]
Oh, since the revolution our lives have been so gray!

[ALL]
Thank goodness for the gossip that gets us through the day!
Hey!

Have you heard
There's a rumour in the Zealous lounge?
Have you heard
What they're saying on the street?
Although the Czar did not survive,
One daughter may be still alive!
The Princess An’Ti’ana!

[FRIGHTENED MAN]
But please do not repeat!

[ALL]
It's a rumour,
A legend,
A mystery!
Something whispered in an alleyway
Or through a crack!
It's a rumour
That's part of our history.

[A BABUSHKA]
They say her royal grandmama
Wil pay a royal sum

[ALL]
To someone who can bring the princess back!

[BLACK MARKEETER #1]
A ruble for this painting!
It's Ja’arda’s, I swear!

[BLACK MARKETEER #2]
Count Yusopov's pajamas!
Comrade, buy the pair!

[BLACK MARKETEER #3]
I got this from her quaters
It's lined with real fur!

[BLACK MARKETEERS]
It could be worth a fortune
If it belonged to her!

[Sjet]
It's the rumor,
The legend,
The mystery!
It's the Princess An’Ti’ana who will help us fly!
You and I friend
Will go down
In history!
We'll find a girl to play the part and teach her what to say,
Dress her up and take her to Betazed!
Imagine the reward her dear old Grandmama will pay!
Who else could pull it off but you and me?
We'll be rich

[Ducane]
We'll be rich!

[Sjet]
We'll be out!

[Ducane]
We'll be out!

[BOTH]
And St. Petersburg will have some more to talk about!

[ALL]
SSH!
Have you heard
There's a rumor in the Zealous lounge?
Have you heard
What they're saying on the street?
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Have you heard
There's a rumor in Zealous lounge!
Have you heard

[A DELIGHTED GOSSIPER]
Comrade, what do you suppose?

[ALL]
A fascinating mystery!

[Sjet]
The biggest con in history!

[ALL]
The Princess An’Ti’ana,
Alive or dead...

[Dillard]
Who knows?
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Jake Sjet » Wed Jun 09, 2004 7:46 am

[Construct]
In the dark of the night I was tossing and turning
And the nightmare I had was as bad as can be --
It scared me out of my wits --
A corpse falling to bits!
Then I opened my eyes
And the nightmare was...me!!

I was once the most mystical man in all Iconia.
When the royals betrayed me they made a mistake!
My curse made each of them pay
But one little girl got away!
Little Ti’ana, beware,
The Constructs awake!

[Minions]
In the dark of the night evil will find her
In the dark of the night just before dawn!
Aah...

[Construct]
Revenge will be sweet

[Construct AND Minions]
When the curse is complete!

[ALL]
In the dark of the night

[Construct]
She'll be gone!
I can feel that my powers are slowly returning!
Tie my sash and a dash of cologne for that smell!
AS the pieces fall into place
I'll see her crawl into place!
Dasvidanya, Ti’ana, your grace, farewell!

[Minion]
In the dark of the night terror will strike her!

[Construct]
Terror's the least I can do!

[Minion]
In the dark of the night evil will brew.
Ooh!

[Construct]
Soon she will feel that her nightmares are real.

[ALL]
In the dark of the night

[Construct]
She'll be through!

[Minions]
In the dark of the night
Evil will find her
Find her!
Ooh!
In the dark of the night terror comes true.
Doom her!

[Minions]
My dear, here's a sign --

[Construct AND Minions]
It's the end of the line!

[ALL]
In the dark of the night...
In the dark of the night...
In the dark of the night...

[Construct]
Come my minions,
Rise for your master,
Let your evil shine!
Find her now,
Yes, fly ever faster

[ALL]
In the dark of the night...
In the dark of the night...
In the dark of the night...

[Construct]
She'll be mine!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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