Joke Thread- Star Wars- The Shameless Rip Off

A PBEM sim taking place on a Prometheus Class vessel. The cutting edge in Federation technology with a good sized crew and a great deal of excitement.

Moderator: [Sim] Zealous - Hosts

Postby Jake Sjet » Wed Jun 09, 2004 7:47 am

[Ducane]
You were born in a palace by the sea.

[Ti’ana]
A palace by the sea?
Could it be?

[Ducane]
Yes, that's right.
You rode horseback when you were only three.

[Ti’ana]
Horseback riding? Me?

[Ducane]
And the horse...

[Sjet]
He was white!

[Ducane]
You made faces and terrorized the cook!

[Sjet]
Threw him in the brook!

[Ti’ana]
Was I wild?

[Sjet]
Wrote the book!

[Ducane]
But you'd behave when your father gave that look!

[Sjet]
Imagine how it was!

[Ducane]
Your long-forgotten past!

[Ducane AND Sjet]
We've lots and lots to teach you and the time is gonig fast!

[Ti’ana]
All right...I'm ready!

[Ducane]
Now, shoulders back and stand up tall

[Sjet]
And do not walk, but try to float.

[Ti’ana]
I feel a little foolish.
Am I floating?

[Ducane]
Like a little boat!

[Sjet]
You give a bow.

[Ti’ana]
What happens now?

[Ducane]
Your hand receives a kiss!

[Ducane AND Sjet]
Most of all remember this:

[Ducane]
If I can learn to do it, you can learn to do it.

[Sjet]
Something in you knows it --

[Ducane AND Sjet]
There's nothing to it!

[Ducane]
Follow in my footsteps, shoe by shoe!

[Ducane AND Sjet]
You can learn to do it too!

[Ducane]
Now, elbows in and sit up straight

[Sjet]
And never slurp the stroganoff.

[Ti’ana]
I never cared for stroganoff!

[Ducane]
She said that like a Romanov!

[Sjet]
The Samovar.

[Ducane]
The caviar.

[Ti’ana]
Dessert and then goodnight?

[Ducane AND Sjet]
Not until you get this right!

[Ducane]
If I can learn to do it

[Sjet]
If he can learn to do it

[Ducane]
You can learn to do it!

[Sjet]
You can learn to do it

[Ducane]
Pull yourself together

[Ducane AND Sjet]
And you'll pull through it!

[Ducane]
Tell yourself it's easy

[Ducane AND Sjet]
And it's true!
You can learn to do it too!

[Ducane]
Next, you must memorize the names of the royalty.
Now here we have Kropotkin

[Sjet]
Shot the Potemkin

[Ducane]
In the Botkin.

[Ti’ana]
Oh!

[Ducane]
And dear old uncle Vanya loved his vodka

[Sjet]
Got it Ti’ana?

[Ti’ana]
No!

[Ducane]
The Baron Pushkin

[Tia’ana]
He was...?

[Ducane]
Short!

[Sjet]
Count Anatoly

[Ti’ana]
Had a... ?

[Sjet]
Wart!

[Ducane]
Count Sergei

[Sjet]
Wore a feathered hat.

[Ducane]
I hear he's gotten very fat.

[Ti’ana]
And I recall his yellow cat!

[Ducane]
I don't believe we told her that.

[Tia’ana]
If you can learn to do it,
I can learn to do it!

[Ducane]
Don't know how you knew it

[Ti’ana]
I simply knew it!
Suddenly I feel like someone new...

[Ducane AND Sjet]
Ti’ana, you're a dream come true!

If I can learn to do it,

[Ti’ana]
If I can learn to do it

[Ducane AND Sjet]
You can learn to do it!

[Ti’ana]
You can learn to do it.

[Ducne AND Sjet]
Pull yourself together

[ALL THREE]
And you'll pull through it!

[Ducane]
Tell yourself it's easy,

[ALL THREE]
And it's true --

[Ducane AND Sjet]
You can learn to do it,

[Ti’ana]
Nothing to it!

[ALL THREE]
You can learn to do it too!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Jake Sjet » Wed Jun 09, 2004 7:48 am

[Allen]
Lovers!

[Melissa]
Ooh La La!

[Zania]
Welcome, my friends, to Betazed.
Here, have a flower on me.
Forget where you're from.
You're on Betazed!
Children, come!
I'll show you that Betazoid joie de vivre!

Betazed holds the key to your heart.
And all of Betazed plays a part.

[Allen and Melissa]
Just stroll two by two
Down what we call "la rue"

[Zania AND ALL]
And soon all Betazed
Will be singing to you!
Ooh La La
Ooh La La
Ooh La La!

[Lucas]
Paris holds the key to l'amour!

[Dillard]
And not even Freud knows the cure.

[Murdock]
There's love in the air!

[Joy]
At the Follies Begere!

[Spade]
The French have it down to an art!

[ALL]
Paris hold the key to your heart!

[Zania]
When you're feeling blue
Come to Le Moulin.
When your heart says don't,
The Betazoids say do!

[CAN CAN GIRLS]
When you think you can't
You'll find you can can!

[Zania]
Everyone can can can!

[Zania AND CAN CAN GIRLS]
You can can can too!
Whee!
Whee!
Whee!

[Sjet]
Betazed holds the key to her past.
Yes, Princess, I've found you at last.
No more pretend,
You'll be gone,
That's the end...

[ENSEMBLE]
Paris hold the key
To your heart!

[Ducane]
You'll be "très jolie" and so smart!

[Batiras]
Come dance through the night

[Hunter]
And forget all your woes

[Zania AND ALL]
The city of light

[Valron]
Where a rose is a rose!

[Zania AND ALL]
And one never knows what will start!
Betazed
Holds the key...

[Sjet]
To her...

[Zania AND ALL]
Heart!

[Zania]
Ooh La La!

[ALL]
Ooh La La!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Ti'ana » Wed Jun 09, 2004 9:34 am

great, i'm a cartoon!!!


thats a great movie, by the way :wink:
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Postby Melissa Richards » Wed Jun 09, 2004 2:24 pm

Good grief! What a wild set of..uhmmm...ideas?

All I can say is..well..

Denial!

Marissa :)
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Postby Ducane » Wed Jun 09, 2004 3:05 pm

Sjet, I reckon it's time we knocked up another Zealous joke post... I think Captain Ducane needs to blow the ship up a few more times, and Supreme Admiral Sjet needs to do some more dodgy dealings, and Cleaner Ja'arda needs some more toilets to clean.
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Postby Jake Sjet » Wed Jun 09, 2004 4:17 pm

Oh thats nasty :mrgreen:
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Ducane » Wed Jun 09, 2004 4:55 pm

Not compared to some of those stains....
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Postby Jake Sjet » Sun Jun 13, 2004 4:28 pm

Cheers Mate

Sjet- Reservation for three?
Waiter- Name?
Sjet- Jake Sjet, Alex Ducane and Ti’ana Sullivan.
Waiter- No…nothing here.
Sjet- Huum…try under The Construct, main course and dessert.
Ti’ana- What was that?
Waiter- Ah, right this way sir.
Alex- What is it with you and The Construct, its nothing but a brand name.
Sjet- Do you two want to sit by the kitchen?
Ti’ana/Alex-No
Sjet-I didn’t think so.

Sjet- How can they put this much mayonnaise in a tuna sandwich, gah!
Ti’ana- Hey I thought you were impervious to damage?
Sjet- I am…its to rich, makes me queasy.
Alex- So you guys gonna help me set up my DVD player?
Sjet- Wa? I thought we were going cycling?
Ti’ana- I thought we were going bowling?
Alex- We would but…cycling with some one who can run at 60kph and someone with an uncanny ability at geometry...makes cycling and bowling…not fun. Besides its got surround sound.
Sjet- Whoa…cool.
Ti’ana- Hey I thought you-
Sjet- I did, but this is Surround sound…SURROUND SOND PEOPLE. Its…its like your there!
Ti’ana-Oh kay….

(Walking down the street they trio pass a board way theatre, with reviews on the front for “Oklahoma!”)
Sjet- Now that’s what we should do, look at these great reviews!
Alex- (holding his brand new DVD player) Bah
Ti’ana-Of course there good, they’re not likely to put bad reviews on the front are they?
Sjet- No, look this ones by Zania “Its just one song after another and nothing else” I trust her reviewing skills.
Ducane- Bah, its just a bunch of-

(Suddenly a robber appears from no where and steals the boxed DVD player from Ducane and makes off into the crowd of people)

Alex- Hey that’s mine! He stole my DVD player!
Sjet-Hello? I’m right here.
Ti’ana- As am I.
Alex- (Sigh) Loo, (pointing in the general direction) he’s getting away.

(One quick transformation later Jake leaps forward in the direction the prep was going in)

Alex-Hey! (Looks at Ti’ana and the Beast as they are standing a foot away reading another review) quit that and catch him!
Ti’ana- its all me me me today.

(Running off after the perp its not soon that Sjet catch’s up to him. Striking a pose the robber throws the DVD player at him, it bounced off his scaled chest and lands on the floor with the sound of breaking plastic)

Alex-Hey, why didn’t you catch it?
Sjet- I don’t do that; I do this (Strikes same pose)

Alex- Well…(whip’s out his credit card) while you might be protected from everything, I’m protected from fire, floor, and robbery and bouncing!

(Back at Alex’s New York apartment)
Sjet- Ti’ana you have trouble with that DVD player?
Ti’ana- No…( holds to red wires, to which there is only one red slot) this isn’t like my DVD player at home…

BANG!

Sjet-Well that’s great, what now?
Ti’ana- Well…

All- Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooklahoma!!!!!!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Jun 22, 2004 6:23 am

ROTFL! This is absolutely hilarious! Keep these things coming! :-D
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Postby Jake Sjet » Sat Oct 09, 2004 4:18 pm

Freud The Early Years-The Speed of Thought

Officer-Sir? Would you mind stepping out of your train of thought?

Freud-What, officer?

Officer-Do you know how fast your mind was racing?

Freud-Oh, I…

Officer-That’s right sir, I’ve had to pull you over before you came to a rush conclusion over there.

Freud-Oh, was my mind wandering?

Officer-All over consideration, you nearly hit established dogma back there. Care if I see your degree?

Freud-Oh, here it is.

Officer-Care to take it out of the frame sir.

Freud-Oh..

Officer-Oh, wait this is a community college learners permit.

Freud-Oh no...I…I can explain…

Officer-You need a Doctorate in Psychology to think in this zone of intellectual bliss.

Freud-You mean this is a Thought Controlled zone?

Officer-Yup, see that sign over there?

Freud-School…

Officer-Yup, have you been drinking sir?

Freud-No, well I mean I had three beers but…but I’m not illogical!

Officer-I really should stop your thought processes right now, but I’ll just fine you.

Freud-But that’s three points off my IQ!

Officer-Now sir, just get back into your mind and head to your predestined inevitable conclusion, its right up head.

Freud-Oh...alright officer.

Officer-Darn kids, think their so smart.
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Zania Jaarda » Sat Oct 09, 2004 4:53 pm

OMG!!!! This is absolutely hilarious, Jake! You should really have Jack include this in the Monthly! :lol:
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Postby Lucasausems » Thu Mar 10, 2005 7:34 am

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God
was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known
in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all
GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from
the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not
fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
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Postby trikejacob » Thu Mar 10, 2005 11:12 am

Thats a good one. I've heard it before. :)
"I'm not lazy. I'm just motivationaly challenged."

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Postby Jake Sjet » Thu Mar 10, 2005 3:27 pm

Your trying to steal my funny.....and Ti'ana's funny....but that was funny :mrgreen:
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Ti'ana » Thu Mar 10, 2005 6:24 pm

NO ONE STEALS MY FUNNY!!!!
I SHALL SMOTE THEE!
WITH.....smoting.....
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Postby trikejacob » Thu Mar 10, 2005 7:09 pm

What? You mean this? :)
"I'm not lazy. I'm just motivationaly challenged."

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Postby Jake Sjet » Thu Mar 10, 2005 7:17 pm

Smote Ti'ana! Smote!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Ti'ana » Thu Mar 10, 2005 7:49 pm

hey jake, we havent heard any silly from the Terrible Three in a while.....(hint hint)
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Postby Jake Sjet » Thu Mar 10, 2005 8:31 pm

When you, me and Alex are online together we'll bash something into creation, a Aniserary editon
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Jake Sjet » Wed Sep 07, 2005 6:35 pm

I'm sorta rusty at this, so be gentle...


Our tale tonight begins last one winters eve, where...on the lonely Prison world of Rura Penthe...the Warden of the prison stalks her office..in complete, mind numbing boredom...
That is, until that fateful phone call...

phone-ring ring....ring ring...you'd think 4 years at Oxford would get me a bigger part...ring ring

Ti'ana-'Ello? Rura Penthe prison, you bag'em we tag'em?

Klingon Fiends Commission, here by referred to as KFC-Hello this is KFC, we're stock taking.

Ti'ana-Oh good! I'll have-

KFC-If you say family bucket of chicken we'll send a targ to leave you a present. Now, we're stock taking on prisoners so we can tell the High Command what a rubbish job the police are doing. You know, empty the ranks through mass honour duels and free up more money for my Holiday home on Risa.

Ti'ana-Huum...well we have that Con Man..no, wait he became a lawyer...then there was that Blue Dude who ate people....oh, wait he's not here! He escaped! Then their was the forger in on counterfeiting, he bought his way out I think. Ha...you know what, I think we're empty!

KFC-WHAT! Do you know what that means! You job is in jeopardy!

Ti'ana-What! But I don't want to go abroad!

KFC-I do not care how you do it, get that prison filled or your fired! underlined fired!

phone-He hung up, I feel kinda down about it now you mention it.

Ti'ana-But how...how can I fill up this prison! No ones committing crimes! I scrub and wash those cells, oil those locks and give transfusion of blood to the blood hounds! I work my fingers to the bone without a word of thanks!

Door-opens, I'm just pushed around really.

Sjet-May I come in?

Ti'ana-Have you committed a crime?

Sjet-No...

Ti'ana-You can't then, this is a prision and you need to commit a crime to come in here.

Sjet-You car's the green on in the parking lot right?

Ti'ana-Yeah, why?

Sjet-I just stole the CD player.

Ti'ana-Oooh! Come on in then, make your self at home!

Sjet-I will I will...now I hear you've got vacancies in your prison yes? Well, I have convicts and they need homes! I tell you, lawyers these days are to good at their jobs, we enjoy the perks of state welfare and care.

Ti'ana-Okay, they can stay! I'll keep my job!!

Sjet-Shake on it?

Ti'ana-*shakes hand* Done!

Sjet-You have been...

And so Sjet filled the prison with the worst the SLA had to offer, the bottom of the barrel, the lowest of the low, the filth of society.
SMASH!!!
I've just been handed a prick, which was thrown through my window...
I am instructed to say all Hosts are good people, are not evil, and abductions are rare. Remember, Hosts are good. Do not go against The Party.
Now back to the show.
So to celebrate her new found wealth and the fact she was the only law abiding citizen in a parsec, Ti'ana threw a huge party for the prisoners.

Striker-You dance divinely.

Ti'ana- You do to, even with the shackles and the mask stopping you from eating people.

Striker-I would never, there are no faba beans here.

Sernia-Miss..the...er...prisoneers request a song.

Ti'ana-Oh?

Serina-Unchained Melodies.
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Lucasausems » Sat Oct 01, 2005 5:47 am

This is really weird.

At the end of this message, you are asked a question. Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it. Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.

This is a fun "test." And, kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back to me) and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same percentage as you.

Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the "test."

Now... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.

Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one.

You do not need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind.

You'll be surprised.

Start:



How much is:

15 + 6








3 + 56









89 + 2









12 + 53









75 + 26









25 + 52









63 + 32









I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over.

Come on, one more...







123 + 5









QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!









Scroll further to the bottom...









A bit more...









You just thought about a red hammer, didn't you?









If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different, if not abnormal, mind.







98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.







If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.




Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2% and send to everyone, including the person who sent it to you
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