Joke Thread- Star Wars- The Shameless Rip Off

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Joke Thread- Star Wars- The Shameless Rip Off

Postby Jake Sjet » Sun Sep 21, 2003 5:31 pm

These names are set in stone by god him/her/it's self and can not be changed for love nor money (well, maybe money...)
The names are as follows.....

Azanialix Ja'arda: Mara Jade
Zane Dillard: Luke Skywalker
H. M. Murdock: Han Solo
N'vrix: Chewbacca
Ti'ana Sullivan: Princess Leia
Vaskel: C3PO
David Carwin: Grand Admiral Thrawn
Batiras: Admiral Daala
Jake Sjet: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Alex Ducane: Lando Calrissian
Alexander Jung: Admiral Akbar
Moss: Boba Fett
Hut'kat: Zuckuss
Alusii Telusu cha Bid Daom: Greedo
Marcus LaCroix: Wedge
Tangean Taneth: Yoda
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Jake Sjet » Sun Sep 21, 2003 5:32 pm

A long time ago (five minutes I guess) in a Ford galaxy far, far ,far, far, far, away…
The SLA has fallen into disarray as the evil Emperors and his side kick, Arc Welder have taken over the SLA galaxy. Sim after Sim have fallen to the dark side of simming leaving the scattered Rebel’s to fight back from the there hidden base on Zealous Four. But unknown to them, Emperor Seth has began the construction of the Party Keg, a battle keg of such awesome destruction it has the ability to eradicate all memories from a single night!
Only one man stand before them (BANG!) oh well, cough, a heap of ash stand before them now, so, well, we all gonna die!


“Princess Ti’ana! The Imperial forces have us in a tractor beam!” a lone crew man reported as the good ship Luckless drifted across the horizon of the planet Thatonee.
“You idiot!” Ti’ana bellowed, decapitating the crewman with a swing of her broad sword “You left the hand break on!”
Suddenly the ship shuddered as the Imperial Star Kicker sucked them into the docking chamber, and waves of Imperial Party Popper’s stormed in, killing the crew for no reason what so ever, though maybe the verbal abuse and the return fire might have done it.
A dark clothed man walked throw the burnt hatch way and onto the bridge, deflecting the sword from the princess with a wave of his hand.
“ah,” he began “Princess Ti’ana, there is no hope-” the princess coughed and in a valley girl voice stated.
“Over here.”
“Crap!” He began to pull at the helmet “I can’t see squat in this thing!”
But unknown to the dark killing machine, the plans to the Party Keg were tucked safely away, some where they’d never find them….
“I found it!” A Party Popper shouted.
Oh, the writer says, well a tasteful edit here, there, and forget the last bit…
The plan’s had been ejected through the window when Ti’ana had realised she’d use a data tap with the last episode of Battlestar Galactica on it, and even know the plans had fallen into the clutches of, the golden plated crusader, the menace of XP, the man with the bounty from Apple Mac on his head…
Vaskel, yeah I’m disappointed as well, but don’t worry, some will die real quick, I promise
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Jake Sjet » Sun Sep 21, 2003 5:35 pm

Dark.
Yes, that is what I would say to describe this place. Sure if a torpedo went off it would cause a mess, but that might be an improvement on the decor of the bar, if there was any.
Zane Dillard, mushroom farmer from the planet of Thatonee looked down into his drink of Buzz Cola, being the kid how never grew up until the plot developed was a drag at time.
But what were you going to do.
“Another.” He demanded in the squeaky soprano voice that came with the title of Chosen One, metal note to self, thought Zane, find Johnny Luckass and kick him in the a-
The doors to the bar burst open, and a tall man wearing a sand blasted brown robe walked in, stumbling from table to table until he hit the bar.
“Usual mate!” he demanded, slamming a small bag of credits onto the bar “I don’t want to see these little (censored) again, so keep it coming until I forget who you are or I run out!” the bar man nodded and took the pouch, exchanging it for a tall bottle of glowing brown liquid. Taking a swig from the bottle the man screamed in pain, coughed gripping his throat for a second and then placed the bottle on the couther top.
“AH! The good stuff!” he said in a voice resembling a meat grinder “Now!” he said, turning to Zane “You must be the Chosen kid,” he extended a glowing purple hand “The names Jake Sjet, and on even numbered day’s I’m called Valron the destroyer! Muhahahaha!” flame danced from the drink’s mouth for a second as the extra glow of Jakes eyes faded, leaving most the people in the bar with a permanent sun tan.
“Yep, that’s me.” Zane said as the glare faded.
“Well me boy, I need a dog’s body to follow me on an adventure that will no doubt get me killed by my old student,” all light faded from the room, leaving a small sliver across Jakes eyes “Arc Welder, or in the higher circle of the SLA Sporak!” a hush fell over the room, even the knock around oys of the local crime boss, Pizza the Hutt stopped there daily beating to hear the name of the most feared simmer this side of the PBeM rift.
“You will leaner the ways of the simmer, and become a Simming Knight.” Jake explained, taking another sip of old brain rot.
“But I thought they all died on the Cologne Wars.” The memories of the bad smell affair between the Old SLA and the Perfume Confederation still lingered.
“Not all, but all were destroyed by the Emperor of the corrupt SLA, The Emperor him self,” And again the light faded “Seth the Merciless.”
“Know!” Jake said, his voice slurred by drink and fast talk “We must find a ship worth enough to take us to Olderthan, the one place were the information on Seth’s new battle station, the Party Keg, can be decoded. And while we’re there I’ll bye some thing for a niece, maybe from Pottery Barn?”
“But where will we find a ship to take us there Simming Master Sjet?” Zane asked, his eyes darting around the room as the Jolt Cola took over.
“Misty Eyelid’s, you will never find a hive of such villain, such evil, and such amazing prices anywhere on the planet.” Jake said, falling of the stool “I’m all right, I’m alright!” and with that, the old man with more booze than brains and the hyper active teenager walked out of the bar, where they ran into a gold plate man with a accent.
“Hello, I am Vaskel, the latest in engineering technobabble creation. I can spew-”
“Your not the droid we’re looking for!” Jake stated, punching the man in the face, only to recoil as he hit metal.
“Son of a-!”Jake bit as he held his throbbing hand.
“Wait,” Zane said, counting with his fingers “shouldn’t there be two of you?”
“He went on a coffee break and got elected to the White House.” Vaskel filled in as the group made there way to the space port.
“We will face peril beyond measure,” Jake began “we will face destruction, anarchy, torture, and possibly, gruesome death-hey!” he turned quickly and grabbed the collars of the two as they began to turn and run away “And it’s all in your contracts! Johnny real should tell you to read those things!”
As they reached the port, they ran into two people, one was a man wearing a leather jacket with the hand painted sign on the back “Been there, blown that up!” and the other was a scaled covered alien with a pipe sticking out of it mouth.
“We are looking to find transport to Olderthan.” Jake muttered/
“What a coincidence!” The leather backed man blurted “We just happen to be going there our self, ain’t that right N’vrix?”
“Quite so old chap.” He said.
“I’m Murdock, captain of the Aluminium Sparrow. I can make the Kessel to New York run in for and a half hours and I have a driver licence!” he said, showing off the impressive forgery made of cereal box, crayon, and with the ‘s’ the wrong way round..
“I have a real bad feeling about this…” Zane muttered.
“Don’t worry my boy!” Jake said, slapping him on the back “By the end of this, we’re all going to be rich.”
“But you said you’d be killed by,” the light faded and a thin sliver of it remained on Zane’s eye’s “Sporak.”
“Yes, but that way off in the future, I’m still in this thing as a voice over.” He laughed and tripped over some ones out reaching foot.
“Stay where you are!” a woman voice demanded “And I’ll shot!”
“Stay and you’ll shot?” Zane demanded, turning slowly to face the red haired teenager holding the blaster at them.
“Well the targets don’t move at the shooting range.” She admitted.
“Well, you thinking what I’m thinking?” Murdock asked his scaled friend.
“That if I get a head start your body will shield me from the hail of blaster bolts?” N’vrix answered.
And so we leave our heroes (yes, heroes, that ain’t a miss print) in the grasp of Seth’s most deadly assassin.
Azanialix Ja'arda, coffee maker extreme and dead shot with a stapler.
Please fell free to continue this story, just don’t get to the part where they blow up the planet Olderthan, I have plans for that…..
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Zania Jaarda » Sun Sep 21, 2003 7:09 pm

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Jake, this is drop dead hysterical! I can't wait to see more!
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Postby Jake Sjet » Mon Sep 22, 2003 2:07 am

You say that now Cap'n.....the dark side I feel in you, or maybe it just the scent of the burning food in the oven....argh!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Ti'ana » Mon Sep 22, 2003 2:18 am

dude, why am i the doughnut headed wonder? :lol: this is too flippin funny yo
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Postby Taneth » Mon Sep 22, 2003 2:44 am

Ti'ana wrote:dude, why am i the doughnut headed wonder? :lol: this is too flippin funny yo

Danish on each ear, you have. Mm-hm-hmhmhmhm-hmm
If the apocalypse comes, I sure hope it comes in the form of Threadfall because I am SO getting a dragon.
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Postby Jake Sjet » Mon Sep 22, 2003 10:09 am

Danish Lady, I don't see why your complaining, at least you'll make it to the final movie with your body intacts, me I'll just become a voice over with the occasional glowing image frightening Zane back into diapers. and as for Taneth, well.......he could be 999 yeras old, we just don't know.
If you have any ideas, post them here and I'll try my best to incorporate them into the plot with out killing off any one.
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Jake Sjet » Mon Sep 22, 2003 3:59 pm

So, where were we….(thump) Ow! Darn low flying plot lines…oh yeah, right….
Zania had our collection of would be heroes cornered in a dust blown street of Thatonee, a planet most known for the high concentration of suicides, that and the high concentration of therapists.
“So, what now? Killer or trick her?” Zane asked.
“You asking me!” Jake stammered, turning to the kid “You’re the blooming chosen one picked by god to save-” Zania cleared her throat as she still trained the blaster on Jake “One moment. Look buddy, if I’d known this was going to happen I’d have talked to those nice Imperial Party Poopers.” Jake said waving off at the squad of approaching troops, all of whom were firing at anything and any one.
“Run!” Murdock cried, and then began chasing after the other’s who’d fled moments before his warning “This better be worth my while!”
“Oh, with the film royalties and the books we’ll make a mint out of this flick!” Zania cried as a red laser dart sizzled past her “Yeah! Do you know how long it took me to prepare this hair!” she demanded angrily, spinning in one motion and gunning down three soldiers.
“Quite the put down.” Joked Zane as they rounded a corner and bumped into what was at first thought to be a pile of rust.
“We’re doomed!” Vaskel whined as the true horror of the Aluminium Sparrow became apparent. Rust coated every surface and the TV antenna on the dorsal section were held together by duct tap.
“You got my vote.” Jake said, hiding his face in the palms of his hands.
“She might looked banged up on the outside, but she’s got it where it counts. I Put a lot of extra’s into her!” Murdock stated, patting the side of the Sparrow, which in turn let a rusted snowfall hit the sand.
“Such as what? Life insurance!” Zania blurted as the licence plate, NCC-59653, dropped off and clattered to the floor.
“No,” Murdock said matter-of-factly “there’s a toaster oven, cable, a mini fridge and the wall paper did go up by itself!”
“We’re all going to die!” Vaskel, Zania, Zane, Jake and N’vrix moaned as one.
But to fast forward the Sparrow escapes, only to bump into-
“Two Imperial Star Kickers!” Zane demanded as the white triangles of death zeroed in on the same rust bucket (no pun intended folks, but, what the heck!).
“Don’t worry, nothing can out runny this baby!” and with that Murdock slammed the two levers in front of him on the dash board, next to the nodding dog, and the Sparrow elongated into a strand of light and was gone.
No really, its gone, I don’t know where I put it guys! Oh, wait, here they are….
They were all gathered around the small table as Vaskel and N’vrix played chess. N’vrix was about to place his last piece when Murdock elbowed him in the side.
“You don’t want to win N’vrix, trust me.” He advised.
“Why not, I’ll cream thus golden man!”
“Droids get angry when they loss.”
“And I should be scared?”
“Because Droids rip peoples arms out there socket and beat you over the head with them when they lose.” And with that Vaskel smirked as N’vrix conceded the game.
Mean while on another se of the Luckass Lot….
Princess Ti’ana grimaced as the planet of her birth, Olderthan, came into blue. Its night side was glowing with light from the number of shopping malls and bill boards that lit up the galaxy.
“Tell us where the Rebel base is, and we will not destroy Olderthan as a demonstration of this Battle Keg’s destructive abilities.” Sporak demanded as the commander of the Death Keg, Grand Moff Turtle Neck began to say the word “Tell……….us……..”
“No! You can’t destroy Olderthan! All we have are shopping malls and Starbucks!” she demanded, the pastries that had some how been stuck to her head had gone now (flicks crumb’s off key board) now (munch) where was I…
“Good point.” Sporak said, turning to a deck hand while Ti’ana breathed a sigh of relief “send a crew down to the planet and get me a cappuccino, then blow the planet up!”
And so, with the groupies of doom heading for the rock cloud of Olderthan, the now pastry-less princess in the vile clutches of Arc Welder, and with all hope for a sequel slowly draining from these pages, we can only pray…
For what, I don’t know.
Tune in next time for more, or bug me till I post!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Sep 23, 2003 5:01 pm

Again, Jake, you show your brilliance! We humbly bow before you! Image
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Postby Jake Sjet » Tue Sep 23, 2003 5:11 pm

Stop it! My ego's big enough as it is!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Sep 23, 2003 5:28 pm

Nah! Your ego could never get too big!
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Postby Jake Sjet » Tue Sep 23, 2003 5:56 pm

see Jupiter....it tiny compared to my ego!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Sep 23, 2003 7:47 pm

With how funny and friendly you are, I'd never believe that! LOL!
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Postby Jake Sjet » Wed Sep 24, 2003 1:52 am

People who claim to know me know little of me as a side effect of that. But I want all of you, yes even you guy's hiding at the back (I see all) that I now have total control over all your characters with in this twisted dimension....
Just anouter part of my Daily Power Trip, rather soothing....and like I keep sayying, you got Idea's tell me! There's only so far I can go on $5 of gases!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Sep 29, 2003 12:57 pm

When's the next installment of this, Jake? Or even the Warp Speed News? I look foward to reading any more zaniness you have to offer!
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Postby Jake Sjet » Mon Sep 29, 2003 1:23 pm

Good pun Cappy, Zaniness, very funny. Soon! Soon you will all want me off the ship, be it with a shuttle or out the torpedo tubes! But soon!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Sep 29, 2003 1:46 pm

Me? Want you off the ship?

I've got one word for you:

NEVER!

LOL!
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Postby Jake Sjet » Mon Sep 29, 2003 2:16 pm

I don't know...I've heard real good things about this other sim...RMS Titanic...on sight swiming pool...though they say I must like ice in my drink and have good eye sight.
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Sep 29, 2003 2:44 pm

Jake, you should have applied as a stand-up comedian! No, wait! Beverly Crusher was known as the "Dancing Doctor", so maybe this could be your claim-to-fame! Comedy always makes for a better bedside manner when treating patients!
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Postby Jake Sjet » Mon Sep 29, 2003 3:00 pm

"There are two thing in this life that you are certain to met up with one day, the How and the When. Some how we're all going to die,a dnsome time our goiung to die. Now I can't stop the how, we can;t stop death yet. I'm here to stop the When, to keep it at bay until I have to scream, tear, and bite at every last shread of life, until that time you will not die. I promise you this."
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

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Postby Jake Sjet » Mon Sep 29, 2003 4:53 pm

Mean while somewhere else
Admiral Carwin walked from the edge of the shuttle, smiling brightly as he looked at the seat of Imperial power.
Croissant, a giant city from pole to pole, selling nothing but pastries! (Are you all seeing the horrific pattern here?)
“It smells like star fighter fuel!” Companied Batiras as she stumbled down the steps of the shuttle, holding in her hands the plans for the Party Keg battle station.
“Below its dust encrusted surface my dear, there lies a heart of pure…” David looked around “rust maybe?”
“I knew it! I knew it! I should have gotten a tetanus shot before I came to this f-” before this story become one for 18’s and over a squad of soldier open a door into the Emperors chambers.
“That way.” David said commandingly, but all he got was a roll of the eyes from Batiras as she shoved past the white uniformed grand Admiral and sat down along the edge of the round table. On the there side was Seth and his body guard Arc Welder.
“Ah, Admiral Batiras and Grad Admiral Carwin, welcome to Croissant.” Seth announced “Tea, coffee, anything?”
“Water please.” Batiras asked as a Arc welder with a wave of his hands sent a bottle of Olderthan Spring water ($9.95 at your local Wotto Mart.).
“Coffee please.” David asked.
“Cream?” Hisses Sporak and sent the carton towards the Admiral like a missile.
“No thanks.” He said, and with that the carton flew back to Sporak, who crushed it in his gloved fist. David took a sip and suddenly his hand flew to his throat, gasping for breath as the coffee cup hit the floor.
“What have I told you Welder! No attacking the guests!” Seth said.
“I’m not doin anything boss.” Sporak said, waving his hands in the air. David regained his composer.
“Sorry, went down the wrong tube.” He croaked “Now, show the emperor the Party Keg plans.” Suddenly a picture of a giant purple reptile appeared in mid air “Opp’s! Sorry, my kids love that show. Here.” He handed over another computer chip and the rotating sphere of the Party Keg appeared.
“What's this thingy here?” Seth asked pointing at the trench along the equator.
“That is the gas venting site, its covered by 500 normal lasers and Lawyer projector cannons.” Batiras answered.
“Erm..” Seth thought “A snub fighter could send a photon burrito down there and blow up the station…”
“But the kid would have to be gifted, but we’ll add another set of lawyers and six hundred more laser cannons.” David answered tapping on a data pad.
“And these walk ways over these bottomless pits…” Seth tapped a finger over his wrinkled chin “They have workers compensation written all over them. So I want you Welder next to me always just in case some nutter gets the idea to throw me over the side. And now, why on earth is the tractor beam so easy to turn off?” He said, pointing at the two-meter square button marked ON and OFF.
“Well, or soldier aren’t the brightest tools in the tool box, and the easier we make there jobs the better we fight. And that’s about it sir.”
“Good David, good. You may leave us know.” And with that Seth was left alone. He decided to contact the gloved hand of the Emperor, Zania.
Zania…you must kill Jake Sjet, the old codger we’ll ruin everything! Kill him and his side kicks….
I’m sorry, the assassin you are trying to reach is unavailable, thank you for using Galactic Bell, and for not reversing the charges…
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Sep 29, 2003 5:56 pm

ROTFL!!!!! Absolutely halarious, Jake! Now I know why you drink coffee when you're coming up with this stuff!
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Postby Jake Sjet » Thu Oct 02, 2003 6:32 am

Like I say, if it can't brun through six inch steel in seven second it's not strong enough!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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Postby Zania Jaarda » Fri Oct 03, 2003 7:45 am

Don't let Moss find out about that stuff! He'll accuse you of stealing it from the Starbase, and you'll be in even more trouble with him than you were before! LOL!
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