Joke Thread- Star Wars- The Shameless Rip Off

A PBEM sim taking place on a Prometheus Class vessel. The cutting edge in Federation technology with a good sized crew and a great deal of excitement.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Nov 17, 2003 11:29 am

I've heard of the movie, but I just haven't seen it yet
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Dec 02, 2003 2:32 pm

Yoo hoo! Jake? Ducane? You guys got any more of these up your sleeves? Where are you hiding them?
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Postby Jake Sjet » Tue Dec 02, 2003 4:27 pm

Siberia
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Dec 02, 2003 4:31 pm

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Postby Jake Sjet » Fri Jan 02, 2004 10:18 am

Road Trip 2378

For this misadventure into madness I’ll be using a Runabout, the reason I hear you ask? One I’ve got a advertising contract with FORD Runabouts, when you need to get from A to B in four fifths of a nano second. You know just a small contract for the galaxies fastest FORD runabout. Very subtle.
And the second reason…well can't we crash the Zealous?

The Runabout glided through the vacuum of space like a phantom, space dust twisting in its wake as the crew slept…
Well…
Most of the crew…
Jake burst into the sleeping quarters for the four other crew members of the Runabout, the light casting him like a demon.
“Emergency! The ship’s on fire the engines compartments up to our knee’s in fuel and the computers burning!” hr said with vigour “Come on! Emergency drill people.” He rushed out.
He then stepped back in,
“Erm, I said its and emergency, we’re all gonna die and the ship’s burning captain.” Jake repeated slowly.
Ti’ana woke up with a start and leapt from bed.
“The ship’s really in fire!” she demanded.
“No, it’s a drill. We’re only pretending the ship’s on fire.,” Jake explained.
“Well” Zania moaned as she moved her hands to the top of the bed sheet “Here I am pretending I’m running to the command deck.” And then promptly fell asleep again.
Zania and Ti’ana walked onto the command deck a while later and sat down in there respectful chair as the Runabout cruised towards the Zealous.
“Well congratulations, that must be a new record for you two. One hour fifty two minutes and thirty seconds.” Jake intoned from his station.
“We’ll crack it down to one forty,” Ti’ana noted, throwing a grin at Zania “Maybe if we cut out that fifth round of toast…”
“Wait!” Murdock called, breathing in a deep breathe through his nose “I’m smelling something!”
“Long range scanners aren’t detecting anything,” Ti’ana said after a moment “I don’t mean to question your nose detection but maybe a re-smelling is in order.”
“No! There’s something out there….I can smell it! My left nostril is dancing like the Johnny Travolta in Saturday Night Fever!” Murdock reinsured as a ship decloaked off the Runabout (The most powerful FORD ship in the Alpha Quadrant).
“What does that guy think he’s doing warping that close to another vessel,” Zania mutter, and whining down the window she screams “Space Hog!”
“Plead you do how, Probe Security Federation.” The probes voice demanded as it trained enough weaponry to put a dent in a planet.
“Two things. What is that and what did that thing just say?” Ti’ana asked as the Runabout (…You thought I was going to throw another advert at ya).
“Its appears to be a Federation attack robe. It’s designed to destroy vessels that steals a from other federation derelicts in this area.” Alex said.
“We don’t steal things,” Zania mentioned “We hack in and strip the place…theirs a difference I’m sure.”
“Plead you do how?” the drne asked.
“How do we plead?” They say as one.
“Well the sentence is death, so may I say I will go out there and say I held you at gun point to do my evil bidding?” Alex asked, standing up.
“No Alex, we can’t let you do that.” Jake told his friend.
“You mean that?”
“No,” Jake replied “now get into the air lock and make you self useful.”
“Fire I or seconds five!” the probe shouted.
“Right that’s it! I’m invoking Starfleet Regulation 23/3/5/6!” Jake called up as he batted away computer menus.
“23/3/5/6? But the ship doesn’t have a sacrificial chicken or a Rabbi on board.” Ti’ana said after a moments thought.
“Oh forget it! Forget what I said, forget I was ever born!” Jake raged, bashing his head into hid console.
“No I mean I’m happy to perform the ceremony but I don’t see how sacrificing a chicken will help our situation.”
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Fri Jan 02, 2004 12:47 pm

You know, that totally fits with the acronyms I've heard for FORD:

F = Fix
O = Or
R = Repair
D = Daily


F = Found
O = On
R = Road
D = Dead

And backwards:

D = Driver
R = Rescued
O = On
F = Foot

:lol:
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Postby Ti'ana » Fri Jan 02, 2004 6:13 pm

Jake, dude, a chicken?

oh, and my little station wagon is a... dun dun dun....FORD! I love that damn thing.
Course, it did stop running in the left lane of route 1 and then started rolling backwards (its stick) the other day when i was on my way to work.....cost me 500 flippin bars of tin pressed aluminum...... and 4 hours pay.....


ok, the acronyms stand up to my scrutiny i am thinking..... :lol: 8)
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Postby Jake Sjet » Fri Jan 02, 2004 7:16 pm

Murder on the Bridal Train Express

Soon after this the probe opened fire, sending the \Runabout to the planets surface in a ball of flame. Thankfully the planet had a large ocean…
We now join the survivors as they try and figure out just what to do next…

“Well,” Jake mutter lifting another crate onto the impressive stack of five “Between fire, flood and impact damage we’ve pretty much lost everything.”
“Well,” Zania said, picking up the guitar by the neck “at least Ti’ana’s guitar survived intact.”
Murdock picked up the instrument and shattered it against a bulkhead, and then handed the neck, which held a few strings on it back to the captain.
“Well, not even Ti’ana’s guitar survived the impact intact.” Ti’ana stumbled from the crawl space, her uniform dripping wet.
“The entire impulse thingy is flooded but I got the pumps working so we’ll be bone dry In a few hours. Auto repair should take care of the engines and such but the one thing we can’t fix it the oxygen generation unit. Its first grade charcoal,” she muttered.
“What happens if we can’t find a replacement for the O/G unit?” Jake asked.
“Well, only two of us will survive long enough to make it to the Federation border.” Ti’ana mutter quietly.
Well Ti’ana he knew could hold her breath, you don’t make first contact with a colony of garlic eating Italians (Pizza-Pasta V, part of the Spaghetti Star Cluster) with out that little talent, and Jake on occasion didn’t need to breath.
“So the Captain, Murdock and Alex would snuff it...” Jake smiled “A plan with no draw backs, brilliant!”
As the crew made there way towards shore in the little yellow dingy found in the glove compartment of the ship interesting questions were asked.
“Do you think this place accepts Federation Express?” Zania asked.
“From what I could tell, this planet belongs to the Whatabi tribe, a primitive Ferengi species.” Jake said as they landed on the beech “They aren’t the most friendly people…”
“I hear they skin people, and use the skin to make bean bags! So I vote we head back to the ship and take our chances in the big black, the idea of a Klingon prodding me for lose change and a biro pen for all eternity isn’t the most thrilling idea.” Ti’ana whined as they began the trek into the forest. Suddenly a arrow impacted against jhe container of valuables they’d brought with them to trade and batter with for a O/G unit.
“Wait!” Murdock called out, holding the arrow up to the light “you can tell a lot from a arrow.” After ten minutes of close scrutiny Murdock stated “Yup, this came from a bow alright.”
“Hopeless..” they all muttered as they entered the small village. All the occupants of the village wore bright yellow polyester uniforms, and there main tribal building had a large M carved out of sand stone placed atop it.
Jake began talking in gibberish o the head Ferengi, or as he called him sell Manager.
“They have the O/G unit, and their willing to trade for it.” Jake said after a minute. Zania, now wearing the Racoon hat of her captaincy nodded and brought out the merchandise.
“We’ve got Rolex’s,” she said, handing one to the Manager “Jean’s,” she placed them over the Ferengi’s legs to show they fit “and sun glasses.” The Ferengi squeal for a second as the captain pushed them on “Looking good!”
The alien muttered something and pointed a finger at the captains head.
“Oh dear.” Jake said curtly.
“What,” Zania said, taking the hat off and handing it to Manager “you want the hat?”
“Erm no…”
“The ear rings?”
“No, not that sir…”
“Well what then Mr Translator type person!”
“He wants you,” he pointed at a runt like Ferengi with a unhealthy amount of facial hair obscuring any facial features “as his son’s bride. Its that or no O/G unit.”
“Well,” Zania said, her face white with fear she rubbed her hands “that’s that, nothing to be done here. Everyone back to the ship!”
No one moved.
A few hours later they’ve ironed out the wedding ceremony and the crew are just leaving the village, minus one captain.
“Aw shucks,” Alex said, dabbing a tissue into one eye “weddings always make me cry.”
“They really did mean that thing about the ball and chain…well it’s a good thing I didn’t give the captain any high heels for a wedding gift.” Ti’ana sighed.
“What did you give her?” They asked.
“A phaser with one shot left in it.” Suddenly there was an explosion and the crew turned to se Zania running, holding the hem of a wedding dress high in the air as she fled the village. As she tore past Zania called out “Change of plans guys! Run for it!”
And so the crew run through the jungle, stooping once at a Starbuck’s (Well they are everywhere…) they soon reach the dingy and are soon back with in the Runabout. Unfortunately they brought onboard a shape shifting personality parasite known as a Sponger. While Ti’ana, Murdock and Zania go off to fix the O/G unit the Sponger seeks out its prey. Alex walks into the galley and find a open can of beans, and thinks nothing of it.
“Wait..” he started “I finished the beans off a week ago…”
The Sponger strikes, driving its claws deep into Alex’s hands. After a shoirt while a Slinky, well, erm, slink’s out of the galley and heads towards the cockpit.
“Alex? You back there. I’m going to try the radio again.” He leaned over and pressed the microphone key.
“Hello? Pizza Hut, hello…funny this mic worked last-” the Sponger struck again.

“Alex old chum,” Jake said, stumbling from the cockpit with a wind blown head of hair and now wearing a WW2 bomber jacket “Alex. It’s me Ace Jake.”
“I’m over here sir.” What walked out of the galley made Frankenstein look beautiful. With teeth sticking out for a inch and a bowl hair cut Alex had turned into, into…
He looked at a mirror.
“Dwain Dibly?” he asked, putting down the thermos of coffee and the train spotters guide book “Dwain Dibly! No!”

“There!” Ti’ana said, hitting the O/G unit again with the sledge hammer “Fixed.” Suddenly the door behind Murdock and the Captain slammed shut, clamping down on a lot of the bridal train.
“hey,” Zania said, activating the video communicator located on the wall “Jake what are you doing!”
“Sorry Zania,” the dashing die-hard action hero appeared on the screen, a unseen wind (Or a fan) blowing his hair “We’ve taken a nip from that Sponger thing. Alex has turned into a geek so horrifying he’d have trouble getting into a Sci-Fi Convention. So, I’m going to open the air lock and suck the blighter into the inky black.”
“What about Alex?” Murdock asked.
“When the little guys not looking I’ll snap his neck, it’s the kindest thing he would have wanted it.” Before he closed the com channel he added his catchphrase “Smoke me haddock, I’ll be back for brunch.”
Now this is where I would have used the line “What a guy!” but the MP5 sub machine guns pointed at me by certain members if the crew forbid me.
Anyway as the three trapped crewmembers try to get out and save Alex and Jake, they’ve already stepped into the air lock.
“You ready for this mate?” Ace Sjet asked.
“Got my thermos, my sandwich’s, corn plasters and phone money.” He gave a even goofier grin “You never know.”
“Right, you stand in the front.” Sjet asked.
“I’m the scouting party? Wizards!” Alex shouted as Jake readied to end the poor mans misery. Suddenly the door to the airlock room exploded open and a Bride holding a phaser rifle and a two other people stumbled in.
“Anyone order the shot gun wedding?” Murdock joke, only to have the phaser fire and hit him in the foot.
“Sorry, thought it was the Sponger.” Zania said with little compassion.
“What are doing here, the Spongers after you!” Sjet said his face locked into what might have been a Clint Eastwood impression.
“It could be anything…” suddenly all guns were pointed at the walls. Everyone but Sjet fired and soon everything was coated in phaser burns.
“Now looks, there’s no use shooting up the place..” Zania began, and saw a chain rattle “It’s the chain!” well, I’m sure the chain didn’t feel a thing “Sorry…very sorry.”
While everyone was firing. Alex lean down in his yellow florescent anorak and picked up his thermos of coffee, and then spent a minute think why he had two of them.
“Er, guys. I think we have a suspect!” suddenly the little morpher changed from a flask of warm coffee, into a hand grenade “Uh oh.”
Well, the Spongers gone and Alex has returned to his normal self, though he had taken a liking to train spotting. While Sjet has asked a request from the captain.
“Zania, I’d like to stay this for twenty four hours, just the idea of turning into that shallow low life no good weasel,” he spat on the floor “it turns my stomach.”
“Sure, anything Ace.”
What a guy!

NOTE
Jake’s bullet ridden corpse was found early this morning with the note “A post to far\” duct taped to it. Police wish to tank the assailants for there work and a reward has been offered to them for the death of Mr Sjet. Suspects are consider extremely good natured and kind hearted and should be thanked on sight.

The maddness continues, sometime in the near future...you new guys have been warned!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

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Postby Ducane » Tue Jan 06, 2004 7:33 pm

I don't think I've ever laughed so much at two words... There I was, doing a bit of implicit differentiation, and I read, "Raccoon Hat" and I'm laughing soo much!
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Jan 07, 2004 12:27 pm

Ooohhh! A murder mystery! This one, I don't think it's the butler who done it, LOL!

I can't wait to see what's coming next with this one!
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Postby Ducane » Wed Jan 07, 2004 3:49 pm

Spanner, Library, Miss Purple and "With" come to mind. ;)
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Fri Jan 09, 2004 3:29 pm

You guys got any more coming soon? I certainly hope so!
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Postby Jake Sjet » Sun Jan 18, 2004 1:39 pm

Vaskel- You again!
Jake (The evil one)- I see if you invest well you can afford something pretty fancy...
Vaskel- Please don't destroy this cargo bay, the captains supply of hair spray is in here!
Jake- I've had a crink in my neck since the Dark Ages. I've missed so much! The Spainish Inquisition (Barrel Explodes as jake looks at it) The Black Death! (Another barrel, that hair spray is really flamable..) The Brady Bunch Reunion! (Bang...there goes the ship...oh well...)
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Postby Ducane » Sun Jan 18, 2004 2:05 pm

Ja'arda: Murdock! Plot a course into that cheesecake
Murdock: That's a nebula ma'am
Ja'arda: Don't tell me what it is, you pedantic drone
Murdock: No need to be so rude, I did buy you that expensive hat... See, you're wearing it right now
Ja'arda: That's because it doesn't come off... The moment I put it on, it clamped itself onto my beautiful hair

Dillard, chuckles

Ja'arda: You Boy! Get in the corner

Dillard stops laughing and turns around

Sullivan: We're approaching the errr....Cheesecake.....
Ja'arda: Vaskel, get the spoons ready
Vaskel: Captain (we haven't got any spoons)?
Ja'arda: Vaskel... I don't know how you can pronounce brackets, but just get the spoons ready, and Sjet, you get the cream...

Mini-series, Part 1
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Sun Jan 18, 2004 7:40 pm

ROTFL! You guys are just TOO funny! :lol:
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Postby Jake Sjet » Tue Jan 20, 2004 7:46 pm

Ah evil! Possibly the nicest thing beside toast.
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Postby Ducane » Fri Jan 23, 2004 11:44 am

I dunno, vengeance is kinda cool. Toast however, don't think so. Mushrooms. Especially mushrooms associated with badgers....

http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com
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Postby llbirdnow1 » Fri Jan 23, 2004 6:49 pm

"Badgers? Badgers? We don't need no stinkin' badgers."

http://www.discosquirrels.com/
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Jan 28, 2004 9:12 pm

You guys got any more of these up your sleeves? I'm laughing so hard at this stuff that my sides are hurting! :lol:
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Thu Feb 19, 2004 1:01 am

Hello? Please don't tell me all of your creative juices have dried up! I'd love to see more of this soon!
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Postby Ducane » Thu Feb 19, 2004 2:37 am

I just need the Lemon Squeezer, and Jake Sjet....
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Postby Jake Sjet » Thu Feb 19, 2004 7:26 am

...needs inspiration! Quickly!
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Postby Lucasausems » Thu Feb 19, 2004 11:33 am

Inspiration??
Oh okay, 'Kadjing!!!'

There How about now?
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Postby Ducane » Thu Feb 19, 2004 2:47 pm

now, i have earache
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Postby Jake Sjet » Sat Feb 28, 2004 6:23 pm

Ti’ana VS the Captain!

Jalovel-Welcome everyone today’s eagerly awaited grudge match, Ti’ana VS Captain Zania Ja’arda! Now then Jake…wait your not Jake.
Light-Quite correct.
Jalovel-Oh...you’re the new guy right? Light?”
Light-Yup.
Jalovel-Ah...well…. Light…now then lets start the match!

Zania- I did not agree to this….
Ti’ana- Come on ya pansy!
(Slap!)
Zania- You did not just slap me…
(Slap!)

Jalovel-Well this is sad…the contestants are going at it in an all out sissy fight of Dragon Ball Z proportions…

Ti’ana-You are so going down!!! 1000 hand slap fury attack!
Zania- The Cardboard samurai fears nothing!
(Slap Slap, Ow Ow, you get the idea of what the imaging budget is…)

Jalovel-I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw some hair pulling….

Ti’ana/Zania- Oh shut up ya damn Bajoran!

JalovelOh you want some of this do ya? Eh? Eeeh!

Bang! Punch! Zow! Ping! Thud

Light-That is it Starfleet monkeys…Continue fighting…When you are weak and tried Light will eat you all…
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

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