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A PBEM sim taking place on a Prometheus Class vessel. The cutting edge in Federation technology with a good sized crew and a great deal of excitement.

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Aug 11, 2003 12:30 pm

Bumper Stickers That Should Exist

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute
12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
16) My kid had sex with your honor student.
17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
19) Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.
20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself!
32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
33) Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam up my clothes.
34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
36) CAT----- The Other White Meat
37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With A$$holes
39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.
41) Welcome To Sh*t Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles
42) Madness is all in the mind....
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Postby Jake Sjet » Mon Aug 11, 2003 2:28 pm

Big Brother III- DS9
These are the voyages of the starbase DS9
Its mission, to let new life, and new civilisation stumbly across it
To boldly stay still like no one has done before!

Day one, and the Tribbles are in a pensive mood as they did not lay eggs today,and the fact that Worfs standing over thier cage welding a frying pan- "Lay ye buggers! Lay!"

Day One, supplimental- And already insanity has swept the prominade as the Bojoran Temple introduces Ladies Nights and Quark loses his little lobed mind "Free drinks for all!"

Day Forty Six- Dax has taken to walking from place to place with a hunch and a walking stick constantly muttering 'In my day...'
Worf has a go at cooking a hard boiled egg, and after five second declares it a disgrace to the house of Mogh and then chopps the cooking range in half with his bread knife, which is also a Bat'Leth (you should see him 'cut' the deck when playying poker.)

Day Nine Hundred, Six Thousand, and Season 7- with most of the cast long since writen out their is only four people left. Mjr Kira, O'Brien, Dr Bashir and Odo.
Odo and Kira are learning the true means of the upper pylons with the help of a book Jake loaned them called the Karma Sutra. While they light a plasma coduit Bashir and Obrien have broken through the wall of Quarks after Bashir gave up trying to win with dart and turned to photon torpedos, firts to hit bajor three times gets a cuddly toy (and no its not a Tribble, they all got a jobs running Who Wants To Be A Millionare)

Soon after this broadcast a force of evil aliens, unstoppable in their attack on humanity and all things good plunged outn of the wormhole and has taken or the galaxy.
Yes, the fleet has engaged the Telitubbies!
Run! Run for your lives aaaaahhhhhhhh!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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"I will eat your soul :3"
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Mon Aug 11, 2003 2:32 pm

LOL!! Another good one, Jake! I can't wait to see what you come up with for TNG, including the "fully functional" line! ROTFL!
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Postby Jake Sjet » Tue Aug 12, 2003 10:13 am

http://www.bigego.com/moodyfood/stress2000.html

here is a good stree reliever, trust your doctor you'll like it. Might take a few minutes to load but trust me.
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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"I will eat your soul :3"
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Aug 12, 2003 10:51 am

And I thought they said there was intelligent life on this planet . . .

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Postby H M Murdock » Tue Aug 12, 2003 12:48 pm

NOT BARNEY!!!!!!

He's taking over the galaxy!

I love you, you love me . . .
Time is a fine storyteller, and history a fond student.
-- Hannibal, "The Big Squeeze"
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Aug 12, 2003 1:06 pm

Who substituted Romulan Ale for Captain Picard's earl grey?

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Wed Aug 13, 2003 1:49 pm

"Uh, Houston, we have another problem . . ."

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Thu Aug 14, 2003 12:45 am

I'd think twice before double-crossing this Klingon!

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Postby Jake Sjet » Thu Aug 14, 2003 1:08 am

Note to the NEW concilor of the Zealous, you should have asked one question before joining this ship!


What happened to the last one?
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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"I will eat your soul :3"
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Postby Jacob Verne » Thu Aug 14, 2003 1:10 am

If I remember correctly he was killed on his way to see a patient. Maybe our councilor should mkae all of her patients come to her?
Commander Zane Dillard
USS Zealous

2003 Sethies:
Honorable Mention: XO of the Year
H. M. : Most Honorable SLA Member
H. M. : Sim of the Year (Zealous)
H. M. : Storline of the Year (Zealous)
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Thu Aug 14, 2003 1:15 am

Hey, if our new counselor is on this poster, I'm sure that she'll have all of the guys flocking to her! LOL!

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Postby Jake Sjet » Thu Aug 14, 2003 2:09 am

we if she is she'll either get traped in a shinking warp bubble, get killed by mad deasil oil, or keep crashing the ship.
Hopfully I'm way off target as usual.
I hope.
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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"I will eat your soul :3"
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Thu Aug 14, 2003 9:09 am

Like that would be a bad thing if you're having to deal with a beautiful woman?

At least it isn't Mr. Spock's Big Adventure!

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Postby Zania Jaarda » Thu Aug 14, 2003 10:54 pm

This one kind of speaks for itself . . .

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Postby Jake Sjet » Fri Aug 15, 2003 6:06 am

Warp speed, its not just a velocity...its a way of life!
Ensign Keth Soban, Medic on the USS Legacy

Fellow Crew Injured By Keth: X


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"I will eat your soul :3"
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A puppy that goes 'yap' and flips over
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Postby Zania Jaarda » Fri Aug 15, 2003 7:32 am

I wonder if he's watching a show about us . . .

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Man Falls Asleep At Church

Postby Marcus Lacroix » Mon Aug 18, 2003 12:53 am

Man Falls Asleep At Church...


One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.
Marcus Lacroix
 

What if Data Were a PC?

Postby Marcus Lacroix » Mon Aug 18, 2003 1:11 am

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.

PICARD: On screen.

[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each
only a single pixel wide.]

PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?

DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?

PICARD: Make it so.

[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square
pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan
warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]

PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

DATA: Aye, sir.

[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and
places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the
console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms
from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]

WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

PICARD: Shields up!

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last
instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue
your next command.

PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now*.

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last
instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue
your next command.

LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.

[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]

DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.

[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]

PICARD: Shields...

[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the
crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from
Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.]

PICARD: Up, Data!

DATA: Aye, sir.

RIKER: All decks, damage report!

WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.

[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches
some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]

DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead
Romulan ship.

WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]

PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.

DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver
installed for that console.

PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.

DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?

RIKER: I left them with Geordi.

LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!

PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?

DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Abort!

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Well, fail, then!

DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.

[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship
lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of
the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from
somewhere else in the ship.]

LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?

PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?

RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for
two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't
knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in
industrial control robots.

[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the
usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few
seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the
console, absolutely motionless.]

PICARD: What's going on?

LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.

PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.

[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full
battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi,
appears moments later.]

FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh,
Captain?
Marcus Lacroix
 

Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Aug 19, 2003 12:39 am

Well, I was going to ask this anyways since I just got back, but these Klingons beat me to it! LOL!

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15 reasons why Janeway is better than Picard

Postby Marcus Lacroix » Tue Aug 19, 2003 12:01 pm

1. Drinks coffee, not that sissy earl gray tea.

2. Beams down to the planet like real captains should.

3. Mutes the doctor when he gets out of line.

4. "Voyager" needs a female captain. Its captain must be willing to admit
they're lost and pull over for directions.

5. Hasn't quoted Shakespeare yet.

6. Isn't French with an English accent.

7. Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to
convince them to behave better.

8. Janeway doesn't have any pesky Federation admirals to get in her way.

9. Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.

10. Acknowledges freely when she breaks the prime directive instead of
trying to weasel her way out of it with philisophical ramblings.

11. Janeway's holograms create useful things like doctors and lungs.
Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet again take over
the ship.

12. Her engineer doesn't wear a bannana clip over her eyes.

13. Doesn't have a counselor (thank god!)

14. Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris
are you ever stupid!"

15. Kes. Troi. No contest.
Marcus Lacroix
 

Postby Zania Jaarda » Tue Aug 19, 2003 3:17 pm

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From Star Trek


Seek out new life and new civilizations.

Non-interference is the Prime Directive.

Keep your phaser set on stun.

Humans are highly illogical.

There's no such thing as the Vulcan death grip.

Live long and prosper.

Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting; it is not logical but it is often true.

Infinite diversity in infinite combinations (IDIC).

Tribbles hate Klingons (and Klingons hate Tribbles).

Enemies are often invisible-like Romulans, they can be cloaked.

Don't put all your ranking officers in one shuttlecraft.

When your logic fails, trust a hunch.

Insufficient data does not compute.

If it can't be fixed, just ask Scotty.

Even in our own world, sometimes we are aliens.

When going out into the Universe, remember, "Boldly go where no man has gone before!"
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US Naval Communications

Postby Marcus Lacroix » Thu Aug 21, 2003 1:17 pm

US Naval Communications


This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Marcus Lacroix
 

Postby Zania Jaarda » Fri Aug 22, 2003 12:23 am

Since summer is drawing to a close, here's one last blast before the weather turns cold!

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Postby Taneth » Sun Aug 24, 2003 2:36 am

According to the Knight-Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
If the apocalypse comes, I sure hope it comes in the form of Threadfall because I am SO getting a dragon.
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