Fun Images, Smilies, & Jokes!

[Zania Jaarda]

Have something cute that you found on the web that you just can't wait to share with others? It doesn't have to deal with Star Trek, but it has to be clean (no nudity, etc).

Here's a few to start us off:





[/img]

[Zania Jaarda]

[Zania Jaarda]

[Jacob Verne]

[Jacob Verne]

[Jake Sjet]

a little wit poem for all those who work in security...

If you wear red, your gonna be dead!

[Zania Jaarda]

The TOP TEN lines from the upcoming TNG episode:
"The Enterprise Stops at Taco Bell"

10.  Troi:  I sense... indigestion.

9.  Picard:  Don't order the fajitas, Number One, they'll go through you at warp nine.

8.  Wesley, guest starring:  Look, mister, the sign says you get a free "Little Orphan Annie" cup with any taco salad purchase, and I'm not leaving here til l I get one!

7.  Worf:  Klingons do NOT eat burritos!

6.  Geordi:  I bet if I allowed anti-matter to collide with these chimichangas we could boost warp power by 27 percent!

5.  Dr. Crusher, pointing tricorder at a taco:   Inconclusive meat readings, Captain.

4.  Picard:  You're on, Number One. Whoever can squirt the most jalapeno sauce up his nose gets treated to dessert.

3.  Riker:  What do you mean you don't serve tokelau here? What kind of Mexican restaurant is this?

2.  Data, re-joining Geordi after bugging Picard with a boring monologue on the history of the enchilada:  I do not believe it is physically possible for me to place an enchilada in the area suggested by the Captain.

1.  Picard:  When we get back on the ship and you have the conn, Number One, you'd better not queef on my chair!

[Zania Jaarda]

The TOP TEN reasons why Riker won't shave
 
10) Hopes his beard will draw attention away from his constant silly smile.
 
9) He and Worf are having a beard-growing contest.
 
8) It helps hide the faint, hereditary birthmark on his chin that proves he's a werewolf.
 
7) Hopes to look scarier to hostile aliens.
 
6) Starfleet has bridge personnel hair quotas and he's trying to make up for Picard.
 
5) He thinks Troi finds it sexy.
 
4) (seasons 2 to mid-4 only) Didn't trust himself to pick up a can of shaving cream because the temptation to go and spray it at Wesley was too great.
 
3) Wants to look more like his hero, Ming the Merciless.
 
2) Every time he does, Q makes his beard grow back in five minutes as a gag.
 
1) Picard won't let him fire up his photon blade.

[Zania Jaarda]

Signs the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty
 
21: Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
16: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
15: Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
14: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
13: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
12: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
11: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
10: Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
9: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
8: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
7: Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
6: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
5: Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
4: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it".
3: Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to nude volleyball program.
2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

[Zania Jaarda]

You might be an Trekker if...

You have ever considered getting Chakotay's tattoo.
You hit the gas pedal on your car, you say "Engage."
You tell the cab driver "Warp factor 7 Mr Sulu" or you say "WARP SPEED, NOW."
Your dogs name is Picard.
You order a personalized license plate....MINUETS.
Your bookcase has more than one shelf reserved for Trek Books.
You actually considered buying that $1000 Enterprise scale model from the Franklin Mint.
All of your AOL time is spent in the Trek areas or reading the Trek newsgroups.
You're not completey dressed unless you've got your communicator pin on.
You all the lines to the the Firms song "Star Trekking."
You and your spouse get a Franklin mint Enterprise to celebrate your anniversary.
You have Star Trek action figures standing next to computer.
You know your a trekker if you wore a uniform to the last six Halloween parties!
You know your a trekker when your car is armed with phasers.
You know you're a 'trekker' if: While giving the kid a 'driving lesson' you say "ENGAGE."
You know your a trekker when someone follows you and you think they are a Romulan.
Every bald man you see, you think is Patrick Stewart.
You fight for legislation to outlaw the obsideon order.
You've ever looked at your boss in anger and said: "DAMN IT JIM, I'M A.....but caught yourself in time!
You're ticked say "Sir I protest, I am NOT a merry man!"
You bring Klingon dishes to potlucks!
You know what time Star Trek is on in every country.
You visit someone, and all you can think to say is, "Good tea.  Nice house."
You can't go sailing without someone named Picard, Worf, Data, Riker, Crusher and Geordi.
You've ever ended an *important* meeting with "MAKE IT SO!"
You go to the microwave and bark "Tea!  EarlGrey! Hot!"
You tap your cell phone and say yes Uhura!
You start finding ridged foreheads attractive.
You make up a song to go with theme of star trek.
You get in an elevator and say what flloor you want.
Your first aid kit includes a "tricorder".
You actually try talking to your computer.
A bird 'chirps' outside and you try 'TAPPING' your communicator.
You have considered building an android to see how many ways you can program it.
Your blow up doll looks like Riker.
You ask your mechanic to fix the hesitation in your car when it hits Warp 3.
You have a Vulcan Science Academy window decal on your vehicle.
Your other vehicle really is a federation starship!
Your bumpersticker says "Human by birth, Klingon by choice".
Or better yet, human by birth, Klingon by the grace of Kayless.
Something is hard and you say "captain she canna take any more o'this!"
You pattern your wedding around Keiko and O'Briens.
You ask your boyfriend if he is fully functional.
You never use contractions.
You wait for a door to open for you.....
You wish your mom was more like Troi's mom.
You are considering getting a V.I.S.O.R. implanted so you can"see" the Radon poisioning.
You call your assistant number one.
You can't leave the house without a phaser and tricorder!
Your computer has assimilated you.
You go out shopping for a stereo that can pick up subspace.
You're faced with a decision, you say, "um-hmm, I see.  Suggestions?"
You look for things, things to make you go.
You know what stardate it is.
You stay up at night scanning the skies for the Borg!
More than one of your screen names are trek ones.
The people at work start calling you Q.
You tell your partner they are giving you Umoxx.
You respond to every problem by saying "raise shields".
Your car breaks down and you ask the mechanic for a level 1 diagnostic.
You look at your *un-ruly* kids and think "SET phasers to stun...naw...KILL".
You insist your friends say "The" before your name.
You dress your 2 month old child as a captain for a convention.
You've ever driven on Wall Street and looked around expecting to see Ferengi.
You call for Holodoc to cure your ear infection.
You are stuck in traffic and say out loud: "Where's Scotty when you need him?"
You have vaporized cars with your keychain phaser.
You've said "Warp 9, ENGAGE!" when pulling out into traffic.
You say, "Mr. Sulu, take us home," when your plane was taking off.

[Zania Jaarda]

You know you've been watching Star Trek too long when...

~You set your garage door opener to stun.
 
~You walk into a local bar expecting to see Whoppi Goldberg.
 
~Your going over the alphabet with a kid, and when you reach "Q" you clench your fists.
 
~You see your doctor leave the office, you shudder thinking that he might disappear.
 
~You think that your entire life is a holographic, Romulan trap.
 
~You walk into the barbar shop and expect to see a blue man who tells bad jokes cutting someone's hair.
 
~Instead of reaching for your cellular phone, you tap your chest.
 
~You often crash into doors.
 
~You get rid of your TV and build a big room with yellow gridlines.
 
~You're engine breaks down, and you try to eject it before it explodes.
 
~You put a fish, a book of shakespeare, and a model of the Stargazer in your office.
 
~You shave your head.
 
~Nearing a tunnel, you prepare to enter a wormhole.
 
~You get really, really big ears.
 
~You ask a security officer to melt into a puddle.
 
~You worry that your X-girlfriend will impregnant herself with your DNA.
 
~You play your weekly poker game with Einstien, Newton and Hawking.
 
~You see a cube and prepare to be assimilated.
 
~You see one of those weird hair clips and put it down over your eyes.
 
~You understand over half of the items on this list.

[Zania Jaarda]

On Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Quark's nephew, Nog , has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license.  IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

[Zania Jaarda]

We didn't start the series...
(Sung to the tune of "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel)
 
     Jean Luc,
     Geordi's Specs,
     Mysteries on the Holodecks
 
     Asteroids,
     Triple Droids,
     Telepathic Betazoids
 
     Transporter
     Deadly Claw
     Visitor from LA Law
 
     Photons,
     No Kirk,
     Captain has gone berzerk
 
     Shuttlecraft,
     Counselor Troi,
     Doctor Crusher's little boy
 
     Klingon Rites,
     Parasites,
     New Heights,
     Phaser Fights,
     Data's Head,
     Tasha's Dead,
     Riker's Hangin' by a thread
 
     Celebration,
     Transformation,
     Everyone to battle stations
 
     We didn't start the series,
     It's the Next Generation
     on your favorite station
 
     We didn't start the series,
     But when we are gone it will
     still be on and on and on...
 
     We didn't start the series...

[Zania Jaarda]

TOP 10 TOURISM SLOGANS IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE


10. Betazed: We know you want to come here! 9. In the Demilitarised Zone Colonies, there's never a dull moment!

8. Ski for your life on Rura Penthe!

7. Nimbus III: Fan-dance capital of the Quadrant!

6. Visit Vulcan.

5. Cardassia Prime, where the trains run on time.

4. Risa: Bring your Horgon

3. If you don't have a good time on the Klingon Homeworld, we'll kick the crap out of you!

2. Come to the Omarian Nebula: Thirty-million gallons of Founders can't be wrong!

and the number one slogan is...

1. Romulus: Everything you've heard about us is Jolan Tru!

[Zania Jaarda]

[Zania Jaarda]

[Jacob Verne]

Another list, I found this one on several different pages, so Im not going to list em.



21. Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
20. Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
19. Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
18. Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
17. Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
16. Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
15. Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
14. Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
13. Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
12. Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become to steep for crew to climb.
11. Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
10. Holodeck becomes caught in infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
9. Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
8. Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
7. Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
6. Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
5. Ship's dryer indiscriminently shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
4. Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please, with sugar on it."
3. Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to nude volleyball program.
2. Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted, and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
1. Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

[Zania Jaarda]

[Zania Jaarda]

[Zania Jaarda]

[Jacob Verne]

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some candy.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
21. The Enterprise is waylaid by a couple of $7.99 surplus Klingon cruisers, but the superior firepower of federation phasers blows them into bits too small to find on the first shot.

[Zania Jaarda]

***** Priority Transmission *****
***** Starfleet Emergency Channel *****
***** Photon Tube Maintenance Section Only *****

Effective this stardate, all Photon Tube Maintenance Personel are directed to refrain from loading the Torpedo Tubes with facsimile torpedos which, upon "Detonation" extrude a flag with the word "Bang" on it.

This practice, while amusing, does little to encourage a belief that the fleet is a serious organization capable of defending, in a military action, worlds which are members of the UFP.

Violations of this directive will result in disciplinary action against the officer(s) involved. Infractions will result in an immediate grade reduction to kitchen waste management.

Make it so.
Admiral Beagle
Starfleet Command
Sol System

[Zania Jaarda]

The Top Ten Classes at Starfleet Academy

10. Command 302: Wining in No-Win Situations.
9. Communications 101: Opening Hailing Frequencies.
8. Space Law 206: Avoiding Court-Martial.
7. Navigation 101: Standard Orbits.
6. Philosophy 203: Why All Major Systems Fail at the Same Time.
5. Command 255: Choosing Minor Landing Party Members Who Will Die.
4. Astrophysics 199: Recognizing Unknown Phenomenon.
3. Command 309: Creative Obedience to Starfleet Orders.
2. Engineering 422: Making Radical Technological Advances Under Time Pressure.
1. Space Law 499: The Prime Directive and How to get around it.

[Zania Jaarda]

The Top Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise

10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain.
9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being.
8) Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make chocolate.
7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer.
6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him.
5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices.
4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no adults.
3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more growth.
2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "K'ick Me!"
1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment fields are collapsing."

[Zania Jaarda]

The Top Ten changes if Starfleet has sponsors

10) O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter. When you absolutely, positively have to get there instantly."
9) Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the choice of the Next Generation."
8) Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner.
7) Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System.
6) Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator.
5) Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section.
4) Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs.
3) Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign.
2) After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T."
1) Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise.